Leigh's World

2010-10-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

What we have done for ourselves

alone dies with us;

what we have done for others and the world

remains and is immortal.

Today is the day they are spreading Papa's ashes. He picked his favorite beach on Vancouver Island where he spent a lot of happy times. I decided not to go, I really thought I would be okay with that, but now the day is here and I wish so much I was there, just for one last good bye. It is like I am grieving all over again this week.

With everything that has gone on with in my family the last few months I realized that Papa was the glue that held this family together, and now that he is gone, we are falling apart.

My mom dragged out the skeleton in our closet and after 25 years has decided this is a good time to deal with it. I do remember sitting at the kitchen table with her over 20 years ago, after she read my journal and learned I was sexually assaulted, by her husbands son. We remember things a little different that day. I recall her asking me not to tell anyone because of papa. She recalls me not wanting her to tell papa because I didn't want to hurt him. Maybe I did? Regardless I was a scared little girl who needed protected and she failed me.

When she brought this skeleton out and we were talking; in the same breath she tells me that I asked her not to tell papa, she says even now she doesn't think her marriage would have survived that. That comment makes me doubt her recollection. So maybe my memory is right. The more I think about it, the more I come to realize papa would have protected me, he would have had something done, not just sweep it under the carpet and never ever talk about it again. I felt so ashamed, dirty and guilty. By her burring this secret made all those feelings I was having so much stronger. Her marriage would have survived the fact that I was sexually molested by his son, but it would have never survived the fact that she hid it and lied.

My mom has not once said she was so sorry or in anyway apologised for her part in the outcome of this. All she has done is justify her actions. She was upset my sister new and was sure to explain to her that she can not be blamed for her actions. When Dawn disagreed, she said "what if she just made it up for attention" First of all if that was the case I would have told someone, my mom learned of this reading my journal 3 or so years later, I had not told a soul. Second if that was the case then why didn't she get me some help. Either way she really should have done something, regardless if I asked her not to at the time.

My mom sent me an email this week, she says to me in the email that she doesn't know how she is going to get through today without wanting to rip his face off. I replied by saying "This day is no different from any other time you have been around him over the last 20 years. You seemed fine with it then, why is this different? I don't get her. I guess now she knows the secret is out so she has pretend to be that protective mother.

So that is my day, week, year, life.... Ugh! I was told this week by a physiologist to have a short memory, when the ball drops in a relationship just pick it up and move on. It was not in reference of this or any of my past, but it seemed to hit home. I have never talked to any professional about this, I really didn't think it has effected my life, it does not define who I am. I don't know why all of a sudden it has been consuming me.

Today Papa's ashes are been scattered and I am going to scatter my thoughts and memories. I am going to forget the past and pick up the relationship ball between my mother and I and just move on.

Trapped!!!!

2010-10-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

Trapped in my head,

trying to escape memories of a life I once had.

Fear of confronting my worst pain,

fear of face to face that day I’m sure to go insane.

Hatred built up for so long,

guilty of life lived so wrong.

A day without remembrance will never pass,

a day for death will always last.

Emotion filled with the words I write,

cold chills down my spine with a blurry sight.

Once a young mind twisted with sinful lust,

Now an adult my mind is totally cluttered.

I wish so much I could at very least write down some of the clutter in my mind. It has become impossible to draw the simplest breath. It is way to much for me to handle right now. Everyday is a challenge. I just keep putting the one front in front of the other. Try hard not to gie it too much thought. Why after all these years has this effected me in the way it has, and why can't I just let it go.

Being that I am emotional eater, I am now struggling with that as well. I have been put on a few pounds here and there since Rene passed. UGH!!

Change

2010-08-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

I thought I was learning to except and even welcome change. I thought wrong. This summer it feels like my entire life my entire existence has changed. My little innocent girls are not so little or innocent any longer. My baby is no longer a baby. Bri is no longer even a child, she's a grown up with responsibilities, payments work, college and life. Ash is learning so many heart breaking lessons. Boys suck!! Rae is no longer my baby that depends on me night and day, she is off being independent becoming her own person. Here I sit watching while all these changes take place right in front of me and there is nothing I can do about it.

I went back to Savary Island this summer. I haven't been back since 2001. It didn't feel that long ago. Rae was just an upcoming sparkle in my eye. The two other girls were so young and it took nothing to make them happy. Their laughter was as predominate as the air that surrounds us. They rode their bikes up and down the island all day, while we were there. Hardly ever having to move for a person. I went without kids this year. The house is complete and beautiful. The quiet little island that I fell so in love with, well it wasn't so quiet anymore. It was busy, and houses have gone up everywhere. With houses there is people, biking would not be the same. The secret has gotten out and I am not the only one that fell in love with the island.

I have felt grieve and loss, I have felt gain and love this year, some how the grieve and the loss tends to out weigh the love and gain. Last year on my 35th birthday I vowed that the next 35 were going to be so much better, and that now was the time to start living. Then came the loss and the grieve one after another. Then came the reality of the hour glass sand dropping not so slowly now. Things have become heavier, stairs are higher and longer. Walking 10km feels like running 20km. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize this women that stares back at me. She is thinner, but looks tired. Things on her body have fallen south, fine wrinkles have formed where there use to be smooth skin. I am not feeling the wiser so I should not be looking older. Again change happens without our control.

So as yet another birthday approaches faster then the last, I can't help but to reflect. With reflection bring fear of what lies ahead. Last year I was so optimistic, this year not so much.

Today is a New Day.

2010-03-12T14:27:00.000-08:00

It's only the beginning now
...a pathway yet unknown
At times the sound of other steps
...sometimes we walk alone

The best beginnings of our lives
May sometimes end in sorrow
But even on our darkest days
The sun will shine tomorrow.

So we must do our very best
Whatever life may bring
And look beyond the winter chill
To smell the breath of spring.

Into each life will always come
A time to start anew
A new beginning for each heart
As fresh as morning dew.

Although the cares of life are great
And hands are bowed so low
The storms of life will leave behind
The wonder of a rainbow.

The years will never take away
Our chance to start anew
It's only the beginning now
So dreams can still come true.

I filed for divorce yesterday. I have been seperated for 4 years now, and honestly I never thought I would be okay with this, but yesterday I was not just okay with it I as actually excited about it. It just feels like I can now start fresh. It is time to let go of the past.

Paul has gone to reunite with a girl this week, and again for the first time I am really okay with it, and excited for him. I want nothing but the best for him, he deserves to be happy.

So today is a new day, spring is just around the corner. Things are starting to bloom and the earth is starting fresh, as am I.

Another Goodbye

2010-03-06T16:40:00.000-08:00

I know we are all feeling a little bit sad,
That we've lost our Grandpa, our friend and our dad
Together we have cried an ocean of tears
As we feel so empty and hold many fears

But Grandpa would want us to know he's in a good place
And that he watching us all with a smile on his face
As we have made him so proud, as proud as can be
That he has raised such a beautiful and special family

Thinking back now I really must say
I feel lucky and privileged to have known Grandpa to this day
For in my life, you have played a special part
The memories I will treasure and keep close to your heart

For me I am glad my little baby he got to meet
And for all of us, be grateful, his life is now complete
To each one of us he has loved and cared
And a family, be thankful for the good times we shared

Although he has gone we will always be together
And his spirit will live on each one of us forever
When you look to the sky, look for the brightest star
As that will be Grandpa looking down on us from afar

And now I would like to thank the good Lord above
For blessing us with our Grandpa with his kindness and love
Dear God, if it is not too much fuss
Take extra special care of our Grandpa as he is very dear to us

Grandpa if you are listening say a prayer for us every day
Be sure to protect us and guide us on our way
We know when God called you, you had to go
But we want you to know Grandpa we miss you and love you so.

I keep telling myself this man has had a great and full life, and that he never suffered at all. He was busy and active up until that fateful minute he passed away. He fell asleep in his chair after dinner and never woke up.

The selfish part of me just wishes for one more conversation, one more chance to hear his belly laugh. I just wasn't ready to lose another great person in my life and so soon after the last loss. To add to the grief a week after my grandfather passed away my grandmother's last living sibling did as well, I look up to her and wish I had some of her strength and bravery. She is an amazing women.

It was hard to see the pain in my father's eyes, he not only lost his father but his best friend. My grandmother is alone after 63 years of being on the side of this man, but seems to be doing well considering. I hate that I am getting older, I hate that this has to be a part of me getting older, everyone else does as well.

Moving Forward.

2010-02-14T13:06:00.001-08:00

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.

If you live through it,

you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

The prospect of marriage. Giving up my freedom. My joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds. And why should we get married anyway I mean why would I want to get married again after all I haven't had any luck with this in the past. Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill and ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda.

Well six months ago there was no convincing me, but now I want to get married because he is the very person I want to look at when I open my eyes in the morning, and the only one I want to kiss goodnight. Because the first time I saw his hands, I could not imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly when you love someone as much as I love him, getting married is the only thing left to do. So here I sit with the thoughts of going down that road once again, but for the first time ever it feels so right, I know he is my soul mate, the one I am going to grow old with.

It amazes me how over such a short period of time, your whole idea of how life is going to be changes with one look, one kiss, one touch. You pick a path to travel on, you think you are happy with the choice you have made, and you really don't see it any other way, then out of no where the path you were on comes to and end, and you find yourself somewhere you never thought in a million years you would be.

I am now traveling on uncharted ground. It is new and exciting, but at the same time so incredibly scary. My heart is out and exposed. It is a feeling I have not experienced. I have given my heart and soul away, I have trusted it's protection with another person. It is raw and real. It has had it's challenging moments, but it has been worth every growing pain.

So once again in my life I am taking that deep calming breath, placing my one foot infront of the other, and I am moving forward.

Past, Present, and Future.

2010-01-28T22:34:00.000-08:00

We live in a world of constant progress and forward motion. Stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. And as history shows us again and again, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

I stopped looking back, I had forgotten the past. Now I feel that has come back and bit me.

I think it is okay not to forget the past, as long as you can forgive the hurt, don't dwell on it. Continue to move forward. This week, I heard someone say "don't let the past stop your present or future". I am really struggling with my past lately. I struggled as a child, teenager and young adult, but I don't think I ever let it effect my present or future. I thought I forgave everyone that may of hurt me. I thought wrong.

My mom just lost her husband, she is all alone and I know she is depressed, and hurting. I worry about her, and think of her, but it ends there. I haven't been able to call her, or even send a email. She calls here and I can not bring myself to answer the phone. My sister sent me a text last weekend asking me to call her. I just couldn't. I am so incredibly angry.

I know rationally that this is not the time to replay the past. I really don't want to be hurting her anymore then she is already hurting, but I really can't stop these feelings. She got married when I was 9 to an incredible man. They don't get much better then him. She was 34 years old and had 3 young daughters. My oldest sister stayed with my dad when my parents split up, my middle sister stay with my mom and I. We moved to this town I am in now, Rene' worked out of town and shortly after we moved here my mom started a job out of town as well. My mom brought in a nanny for a bit, but my middle sister started behaving like a mischievous teenager. My mom decided she couldn't handle that and sent her to live with my dad, which just left me at home. My mom sent me to live with my new step brother and his family. That didn't work out so she had to come home. It didn't last long before she was off to work again though, Rene' came home to stay with me for a bit. By the time I was 14 they were both away working all of the time, leaving me at home alone. I had no rules, no curfew or chores. If I wanted a clean house, I would clean, if I was hungry I would cook. All my friends had curfews so when they went home so did I.

I started dating a guy that was 5 years older then me, he had his own apartment, he was an adult. I started staying there while my parents were away. It was nice not to feel so alone. I craved that family I never had. A couple months after my 15th birthday I moved in with this man. My mom helped me pack, she bought me things for our new apartment. She told everyone she didn't fight me on it or stop me because she thought I would have went anyway and I would have been angry with her and she wanted me to have a place to come to if things didn't work out. I guess that is some what believable, but a month after I moved out she didn't put our house up for sale and move out of town.

Sure enough 2 months living with this man he started hitting me, and then beating me. I had no where to go and no one to turn to. I was only 15. It just continued from there.

To sum it up, I needed my mom when I was 11 years old and being molested, she failed me.

I needed my mom when I was 12, 13, & 14 to help with the girly things we need our mom for, and and for the non girly things as well, she was no where to be found. It was a good thing I had friends that went through puberty before me, I would have been totally lost.

I needed my mom. when I was so alone I moved in with a man when I was still a child, she encouraged me to go. I needed my mom after I moved in with him and he was abusing me. She was long gone.

I needed my mom when I was 16 and found myself pregnant with this mans baby, she congratulated me and when her husband was calling me everyday to check on me, she put a stop to it.

I needed my mom when I was 16 1/2 and had a new born baby, I asked if I could come home so I could get some finical help from the government, and day care which would have enabled me to go back to to school she told me to I made my bed now lie in it.

I needed my mom when I was 17 and managed to escape that relationship, she allowed me to move home, only because it was my father's idea, and he pused it, but 2 months after I was home, she found me a dump of an apartment that was over price and not safe, and told me I had to go because I might get too comfortable.

I needed my mom when I was 19 and was about to marry a man because I felt I had to. The night before the wedding I told her I didn't want to marry him, I asked for her help. She told me it was too late, I should have thought about that.

After all that I put it behind me, I moved past it all. I thought I totally forgave her and put it in the past.I knew in my heart she did the best she could with what she new. Which was way better then she had. When I was 32 years old, and my husband and I had split up. I had lost the only constant and security I had known and really the only family I had ever had. I was hurting and alone. In spite of everything I called my mom and asked her to come here, I explained to her how badly I needed my mom. She told me she couldn't. She had a quilting retreat to attend, and money was tight. That her and Rene' were planning on going somewhere. She didn't even take the time to have a conversation, her TV show was on. I once again just let it go. Yes it hurt, but I was an adult, I had to learn to get over it on my own, and I did.

BUT now she needs me, and even though all this time I thought I forgave her I am so angry I can't even call her. I don't want to say anything hurtful, it's better not to say anything. I don't know how to get past this.

She called that night to tell me he had passed away, I couldn't get there fast enough. I took the girls out of school, packed everyone up in the winter, and left at 1 in the morning. When I was there with everyone, I felt like I was surrounded by strangers, and I blamed her for that. I couldn't stay with her, I drove 2 hours there and 2 hours back to my dads each day instead. I couldn't do it. I don't know what to do with angry or how to get past it. I feel that when Rene' died I didn't only lose a dad I lost my mom too.

The girls even pointed out the only reason we would go there was to see Papa, and when they came here, my mom was off with her friends doing her thing, and we visited with Papa. It was never about her. I am upset and mad at myself for not being able to get over this. For not being a good daughter and not being there for my mom. I feel like a spoiled brat, but at the same time I am so pissed off at her and have no reason to even call. So now what?

Saying Good Bye is Never easy.

2009-12-20T21:18:00.000-08:00

God needed one more to fill the empty space,

he looked around the room and saw your sweet face,
when you stopped breathing,

we knew you were gone,

you went so peacefully,

so we knew you chose the right home,

we knew your skies weren't so blue,

and the roads were getting too tough for you,

but you fought that fight,

and you did the best you could do,

the best part was you didn't die alone,

the day God sent you home.

I guess I never saw this day coming. It was a birthday party being planned. It was a surprise. People were coming from every where to celebrate 75 years of the greatest man on earth. Instead of a celebration of a birthday it turned into a celebration of his life past.

The vision of him laying alone in the morgue when I went to say my final goodbye is etched into my memory. Knowing that it was the last time I will ever lay my eyes on that beautiful face. Knowing I will never here his jolly voice again. I will never hear his french voice call me Robynopy, or kido. My heart is broken. People keep telling me "with time, it heals" I think it is going to be one very long time.

Rene' (aka Papa) Married my mom in March of 1984 I was 9 years old. He was a very big part of my life. I have more childhood memories of him then I do my mom or my dad. He really was an amazing man. Never a negative comment passing his lips. Forever smiling and full of love. I never heard him raise his voice or speak out of anger. Even the day when I flooded the bathroom and ruined a load of my mothers designer clothes by leaving fish hooks in my pockets. He picked me up from a high school dance, I was intoxicated and being suspended from school. He just smiled and said "oh Robynopy" Again never raised his voice or had a negative thing to say, although he had me up at 6am to wash the kitchen floor with a tooth brush, he did it with a big silly smile.

As a pregnant teenager, my mom and Papa had moved out of town, and he called me every single day to check on me, until my mom put a stop to it. As an adult we snuck off to the Casino every time we were together. Once again without my mom's consent.

I am hurting in a way I have never hurt before. I have never lost someone this close to me. I am very worried about my mom, yet I am avoiding calling her or even answering when she calls. Every time I speak with her it just brings back all that pain, I have to face it once again that he is really gone.

Fairytales and Faith

2009-11-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, Prince Charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open there eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different then you dreamed. The castle well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Family??

2009-10-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

What were you thinking? At a time I should have looked up to you.
I find myself lost. Praying that these nightmares are not true.

What were you thinking? when you took my innocents.
How could you continue? As I cried out with resistance.

What were you thinking? Did it make you feel like a man.
When you pressed my body down, and you thought I'd never understand.

What were you thinking? When you told me it was our special game.
You told me to be quiet. Did you believe I'd never say a thing?

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Since you decided to violate me.
My pain is put away now, and anger is all you'll see.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. As I start to get back on my feet.
You took my childhood. And as an adult, that will not repeat.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. It's time that I let go.
No longer will you control me. My heart can finally grow.

Hi Leigh,

I hope this finds you well. I have left you several messages to call me and you haven't returned any of my calls. It hurts me that you avoid your family. I have been struggling with the reasons why you would be avoiding me. The first thing that comes to my mind is what you told me that happened to your when 11 yrs old and you asked me not to say anything to anybody about it. Well, I haven't said anything to mom about it. Actually, when I left Prince Rupert I couldn't take any of mom's calls for 2 weeks and I talk to her at least twice a week.

Dad knows about it and has known for years because you sent him a letter about it. Dad said if he had known earlier about it that you would have been with him. It makes me furious that your own mother protected the wrong person.

Leigh, how old were your when you told mom about what happened? I'm asking because when I was on the phone with mom tonight, mom had said that she talked to "him" and told him that her & her husband were coming to our house for Christmas and she started to say that she asked "him" to come to our house well.......I interrupted her and blurted out to her that I don't want him in my house. She asked "why"? I just said because I don't want him in my house. I repeated to her several times that I don't want him in my house.

Leigh what has happened to you is wrong. He should be in jail or should have gone to jail at the time. It makes me sick that a mother would turn a blind eye to this especially if you were only 11 yrs. old when you told her. It shouldn't have mattered what it would have done to her husband. Your children come first. Leigh I'm sorry that you have suffered for so many years with this. If mom brings up "why" he is not welcome in my house again, I will tell her to ask you why and leave it at that.

I do not want him around my daughter. I don't know the details to what happened but how do I know that he has not committed this offence more than once? I wonder if that is why his sister is so screwed up. I'm sorry if this letter has upset you. I love you dearly and your family should have supported you when you needed them and they didn't. If there is anything I can do to make things better please let me know.

Dawn

I received this letter from my oldest sister this week. I am tyring to absorb it and decide if I should respond or just let sleeping dogs lie. My sister can be at times critical and even mean. She was up here visiting a couple years ago and as always was going on saying how I had it so good as a child and how spoiled I was etc.... My sister has no idea and after many years of listening to this I came unglued and told her just how great my life was. Starting with being 10ish years old and being used as a sex toy. To being raised by nannies and whom ever would take me at the time. Then when I was a little older just was left on my own, until I just decided at 15 to move out and in with my much older boyfriend. Anything to try to fill that void and have a little feeling of family.

I just released years of built up thoughts and frustration, leaving my very vocal sister speechless. She spent that evening in tears and very quiet. She expressed how sorry she was. We talked about my childhood and for the first time ever she realized I really didn't have it good. I was alone with no guidance or support. So yes I was never grounded, I never had a curfew or any rules, but I would have welcomed them all for a little parenting.

I have honestly put all of this behind me. I forgive my mother completely. She did the best she could with what she knew. This no longer haunts me. I have let go of this part of the past and have moved forward. I now wish she could do the same. I understand that she doesn't want this man in her home and around her young daughter. I am just not looking forward to this all being brought up after all these years, after I have moved forward and put it behind me. I really don't want it all dug back up again.

As I sit here and ponder I become angry. I don't know who I am more angry with, myself mostly. Once again I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent it from happening at the time. Angry at myself for letting it slip to my sister. Now it's just a waiting game, I know this is about to blow up. I can feel it. I guess time will tell.

2009-10-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

Lost time is never found again

I feel as though I am running a marathon on an empty stomach and no sleep, oh and maybe even a bit hung over. I run and run and just when I can see a glimpse of a future, one I might catch, I trip and fall flat on my face. Instantly losing sight of the little I gained. Today I want to sit in the middle of my living room floor and just cry. Give up. I don't know how much longer I can keep plugging along. I fell hard this week and it has taken me a bit to get up. I am so far behind now. I don't know if I can run fast or hard enough to come close to catching up.

I spent the last week in Vancouver on a course for work. This has to be the first time I was able to get away where the only place I wanted to be was home. It was nice to see some people I haven't seen in a while, but other then that I just wanted to be home.

I have had some plans broken, something I was looking forward to. I should have known better. Teaches me for putting all my eggs in one basket. I was sure I explained that I should have never said I would break all ties, I thought for sure I said I would minimise the ties, but not necessarily break them. Regardless I was wrong. It is now time to break all ties. Hmmmm boundaries???

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous tocross.

It is time to stop trying to make amends with my past and just keep my eyes forward. Finally tying up those lose ends. A couple years too late, but none the less it's being done.

I am extremely over whelmed and exhausted today. Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to wake up and dig deep to keep my head up. Find that smile that got lost with my broken heart. When it rains it pours. Deep breath, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That's all we can do.

2009-09-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

We are never more discontented with others

than we are discontented with ourselves.

If my word means nothing when it comes to the small things, how is he going to be able to believe in my word for the bigger things. This keeps ringing in my ears over and over. Funny how things come up on certain days, just when you think you are going down this trail of life without any worries. Feeling like nothing can really get any better. Then something you never thought twice about comes back and bites you in the ass.

I was thinking today about myself and my trust. I have never felt that I was capable of love. I never thought I was trust worthy. I always believed that I was toxic and not able to have that bond with one speical person. I doubted myself today. Now as I sit here and reflect back on my day I guess I doubted myself for a good reason.

My heart hurt all day today and I just couldn't put my finger on why. I had one of my great migraines on Friday afternoon and it has knocked me on butt. I am exhausted still and all I want to do is sleep. My house is a mess, I am cleaning all day everyday this week trying to catch up from working Monday to Friday day shift last week. I haven't been eating well or taking my vitimins I am sure that doesn't help either. I just feel very unhappy with myself, and discontented.

My life is full of change this last while, I don't think I do that well with change. I know it is good for me, but it just has never been easy. I started my new job this week. I am working back at the RCMP in a much more challenging postion. I have found myself in a new relationship. One I was not looking for or believed I was prepared for. For the most part it has been amazing. I do believe we make an unbelievable fit. I just hope I don't screw this up, as I often do.

Tomorrow is a new day. I have to focus on that for now. One breath at a time, One foot in front of the other, One day at a time.

The Power of Confidence

2009-09-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

A wise man speaks

because he has something to say,

a fool speaks because he has to say something.

I have been investigated a few times now because of my job and the level of security clearance I require. I know that there are members talking to my friends, family, employers and neighbors. I know it is happening and every time I am sick to my stomach wondering what people think and will say about me. So far I have had no problems. I still will never get use to this. It is a very uneasy feeling.

Now I am dating Dallas, he has very close friends who care a lot about him and want to make sure he doesn't get hurt or taken advantage of. I can respect that and understand. So they have done there asking around about me. I knew when that day occurred it wouldn't be all good. I have had not the greatest past. Considering I had an affair, which then included lying and cheating. I have been as honest as I could be with him regarding this and any other negative things about myself.

There was a time in my life where I thrived on gossip. I was like 75% of the rest of this small town and had nothing better to do or talk about. After the hell I went through 3 years ago I try my hardest never to say anything about anyone I wouldn't say to their face. I know that I have slipped up over the years, I am not perfect. I am able to hear myself now and try my best to stop.

One of these friends went to Dallas with the information she had gathered about me, which again I am totally fine about. I was expecting to hear that I was untrustworthy, that I lie and that I am a cheater. I was prepared for that and would completely understand why people would say these things, but instead he was told never tell me anything he wants kept secret. Another words I don't keep anything to myself.

I tried so hard to just let it go. I told myself that at the end of the day I know that I have kept many secrets. I know that my job lets me into a lot of peoples private lives, and at the end of the day I put it away. I can't for the life of me think of the confidence that I have broke. I was up all night last night going over everyone I know trying to place where this would come from. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I could have handled the cheater and the liar, but this I can't let go. I don't believe this to be true. How do you take responsibility and learn for something that you don't honestly believe you did. On the other hand maybe I have wronged someone, and I just don't remember which is an awful feeling as well. One thing I have learned growing up in a small town when you screw up as a young person, it never leaves you. It shadows you forever.

This is one of the reasons I was content to just be single for the rest of my life. Is he worth this?? I believe he is, I am still standing here with my heart on my sleeve. I am afraid he is going to hear things and walk away, then what? Where does that leave me? I need to have a bit of faith and just hold on. Time will tell. Today I have to admit I am a little blue and a lot worried and my heart hurts too.

What is worse, being excused of something that isn't true, or not knowing or remembering if you have hurt someone with these words. I am a loss today. Days like this I want to find a rock to hide under, or better yet move and start over. I just want to be granted that fresh start. I am tired of this black cloud of a past following me everywhere. Maybe this is my punishment for the wrong I have done in my life.

Do You Believe in Fate???

2009-09-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Meeting you was fate,

becoming your friend was a choice

but falling in love with you I had no control over.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.

In January this year a friend of mine was telling me about his sister's marriage and how her husband had been cheating etc... He said that he has a profile on the dating site Plenty of Fish. He asked if I could search and try to find it. So I created a fake account with a fake name and went to work. After a few hours I was getting bored so I thought I would check out who was on this site from our area. I found a few people on there I knew, some were truthful, so were NOT. Then I tripped over this profile of a man. It totally got my attention. I read it a few times. I had no idea who this person was, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what he was doing on this site for one and how on earth he was single I couldn't fathom. I read over the profile a couple time and went on with my day.

I got home from work that night and I couldn't get this stupid profile out of my head. So I went back on and reread it for the tenth time. Before I knew I had sent him a message. I wish I could remember what I said. He responded to my message after a few days. It direct and somewhat business like. At the end he said "PERHAPS we will chat again" The end of the email reeked of arrogance to me, but still there was something that was so incredibly intriguing. I responded yet again. By the second message back and forth he gave me his hot mail address and informed me that he checks that more frequently. In this message he asked me if I am a judgemental person, and of course I strongly believe I am not. So he and I debated this topic for a good week back and forth.

Since then we have chatted occasionally back and forth through email and msn messenger. Not once did I ever believe he was the least bit interested in me. He never hinted in that direction or made any suggestion of getting together or meeting. I developed a crush on this faceless man, but knowing he wasn't interested kept me at a very safe distance and I just enjoyed our chats.

Then in July I added him to my facebook, and the emails and chat became more and more frequent. We talked about everything and anything. He had me thinking on many different occasions. Like Here. I never sugar coated my life in anyway. I was blunt and very honest about my past and present. Again I was under the impression he had no interest in me, so I had nothing to lose and besides it was great to have a males unbias perspective.

By August we found ourselves up late hours of the night still chatting. We could talk about anything. One evening we were talking about the dynamics of dating as single parents and how difficult it is. I told him that it isn't really dating just company so he asked if I would like to keep him company one evening. Of course I said I would love to. This was the only time I thought maybe he just might be interested, but then again it was just company, we did both talk of not wanting any kind of relationship. We eventually made plans to meet on a Friday night for sushi. August 14th was the big day after 8 months of Internet correspondence only. I was very nervous. Wednesday night before the sushi date was to happen we were sitting in our homes chatting away on the computer when he asked if I would like to come over and hang out. It was midnight, and I was in my pj's laying on my bed, but I thought why not, it might help with the nerves.

I showed up at his house just after midnight in my PJ's, no makeup etc... I brought along a movie I had just downloaded. He put in the movie, but we never really watched it, we talked and talked. After a few hours he leaned over and kissed me, and at that second I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. He is so sensual. I had no intention on sleeping with this man anytime in the near future. I really liked him and did not want him to think I was cheap and easy, BUT.... the next thing you know we are in bed together. It was amazing. First time sex is never amazing for me, it is usually awkward, uncomfortable, nerve racking, and not all that satisfying. This was NOT the case for me this time.

I was really disappointed with myself for having sex with him. I worried he wouldn't want to see me again etc... The mind games were hard for the first week or so, but since then that everything has fallen into place. He is unbelievable if I were to design a perfect man for me, he would be it. Since that night we have spent a great deal of time together. We have met each others children. We have shared many meals, been out kayaking, out with friends, and to a work party. I am starting to feel that we are a couple. I have feelings for this man I didn't think I was capable of having for any man. Although I am scared to death I am very excited all at the same time.

His precious son Austin

A kayaking date

Hold on it's a Bumpy Ride on this Rollercoaster we Call Life.

2009-08-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

It has been such a crazy year. I don't even know where to begin. I have started this blog at least 20 times, but it's so over whelming to think about it, I end up just sitting here staring at this computer not knowing where or how to start. I have decided instead of writing a book to sum up the last crazy year of my life I am just going to provide a few visuals.

Tried one last time to make a go at my marriage. Paul was great, he did everything right. I was just not in the right frame of mind. When I was it was too late. It was difficult, but I have accepted it for what it is. Everything happens for a reason. We got the closure we both needed. Parenting partners we will be.

Happy New Year (August 5th)

To keep the heart unwrinkled,

to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent

that is to triumph over old age.

Wow I can't believe that I turned 35 this month. I don't feel that old. I don't know where the last 5 years have went. It feels like just yesterday I turned 30, I remember how upset I was for weeks. It was not a happy time in my life. It went rapidly down hill from that day.

Even thought it is hard to accept the fact that I am now 35, I decided to try and look at it from a different point of view. I have completely made a mess of my first 35 years of this life, but have decided to learn from my mistakes (and trust me there has been plenty) and have an amazingly successful, and happy next 35 years.

I have lost this much fat this year. I feel like an entirely different person. People that I knew when I was younger are stopping me on the street and asking when I moved back. People that I have met in the last five years but not have seen in a bit are not recognizing me.

Me Just after my 34th Birthday

Me just after my 35th Birthday

Vancouver June 2009

I spent a few weeks in Vancouver, getting lost amongst the crowds of people. I shopped, I ate sushi, and I walked for miles everyday. I spent some time with an old friend. He was very enlightening and at times even humbling. He took me to The Tragically Hip concert, it was a great. We attended all the Celebration of lights fire work show. Did I mention I ate sushi everyday.

I am about to change careers I am very scared, but needed some change in my life. I am no longer the same person so why do the same job. I am getting very scared this change will be taking place in the next few weeks.

Bri's Tongue and Ash's Noise!

The joys of being a parent. I would have never allowed the tongue piercing but unfortunately she is 18 and I don't have a final say just an opinion. It is hard to let go sometimes. I think Paul is feeling the same way. I got a text from him the other day saying "so I hear our daughter got her tongue pierced" something neither of us wanted, but now can only sit back and watch. So far though that is the only thing we have not approved of, so I guess it's pretty minor.

Soul Mates!!!

That is all I have to say about that for now. This may be continued. Enjoying it too much right now to analyze it.

Wow moment!!

2009-05-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

People come into your life

for a reason, a season, or a lifetime

I have a new client, I have been cleaning for him for a few weeks now. He is such a kind soul. He is sick and not doing well. His days are numbered and he is preparing for the end. He is one of the kindness people I have ever met.

I really didn't want to clean there today, I am exhausted and just didn't feel up to it. The second I walked in and he smiled that all changed. We were chatting about living here etc... He told me he moved away in the 60's and only came back about 20 years ago when his mom was sick and dying. He use to live in Vancouver and worked for London Records as a producer.

I could have sat there all day and listened to his stories. He told me of all the artist they signed, the parties, and events he attended. He told me about how Bryan Adams and his original band called daily trying to get a record deal. This man spoke with such passion. I told him how exciting I thought that was and how I have always had a passion for music. He turned on some old 60's and 70's music for me to listen to while I cleaned.

I arrived at his home today with a bad attitude and a frown, and I left there smiling feeling good about life. It amazes me how people have such a great effect on other people. Everyone has a story. Everyone comes into your life for a purpose.

Just another Day

2009-05-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

I want to run away

Inside my bright red scream

I want to break the door

Holding back my dream

Living like this

Checking the skies for rain

A constant reminder

Of this burden and pain

I'm holding on to

A shooting star

Its points cutting my skin

This time it's gone too far

Nothing left to wish on

My bloody star fell

Left me drowning in hopes

Inside my wishing well

Not looking for a hero

To owe such a debt

I would not ask for saving
This loss is not a regret

I want to run away
But there's nothing out there

I want to shatter windows

That look out on nowhere

This is not life

If I'm already dead

My bleeding heart stopped beating

And tears I no longer shed.

Yesterday I woke up feeling almost normal. I was feeling strong and confident. It lasted most of the day. Then it all came to a crashing halt. Today was not a good day, but yesterday is brought me hope that maybe tomorrow will be better.

The last couple months have been a bit of a roller coaster ride. There has been many ups and downs, not to mentions the twists and turns all at such a rapid pace. I am still holding on, and I am not letting go. I have learned a lot as well. Never judge a book by it's cover, people aren't always what you hear. Everyone is special in their own way. There is always two sides to every story. I just wish other people could see that too.

My weight is still dropping, slowing but none the less still dropping. I have reached my original goal and now are five or so pounds below that. I have went from a size 22 to a size 7. I need to work on building more muscles and getting my strength up. My back is hurt because to I don't have the core muscles to support me. I am sure with time this will work it's self out.

Size 22 and Now Size 7

Psychologist

2009-04-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

Next step.... I have an appointment with a new psychologist tomorrow afternoon. Today was one of my worsts days yet.

Edit...... I attended my appointment with the psychologist today. It was a big step for me. I am not good at admitting that I have problems and even worse at talking about them. This man was very smart and very good at what he does. I learned a lot, but still feel as though my head is cluttered and I am feeling just as lost and confused, BUT.... I know this this feeling is going to one day pass. That I am not stuck like this forever.

I learned the 4 things main things you NEED to have a healthy relationship. He explained to me that feelings LIE. That feelings are not objective, and that feelings are influenced and can be false.

4 Things you Need to have a healthy relationship.

1) LOVE - interest

2) ACTION - predict

- Direct

- Manage

3) ACCOUNTABILITY - Confrontation (compassion)

(criticism)

4) RESPECT

All of the above will bring trust. To be able to trust some other person with your heart and your soul. It all sounds simple enough, BUT.....

2009-04-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

You know depression is ready to set in

When you wake up hating the life you have created within

Look into the sun filled sky

Let the warmth deeply apply

To fill your heart and your soul

Get rid of the depression that has a hold

Don't let it sink far enough in

For if you do you will not win

Don't let it touch your precious life

Or your family, friends and loved one

Don't let it drag you way down low

Get the sun's warmth to let it go

Fight the fight

And you will win

You will beat

The depression sneaking in

I have a doctor's appointment set for tomorrow. I am dreading it. I am embarrassed and even ashamed. I don't feel that this is something you go to the doctor for. I have always thought I should just suck it up. As you can tell that's no longer working for me.

I am thinking of a road trip as well. I know running isn't the answer. I know that this dark cloud will follow me where ever I go. I just need to get away from here. Hopefully returning with a clear mind and soul.

The weather was beautiful today and I managed to get out...... okay so I had to get groceries. UGH! Maybe tomorrow, it's a whole new day!

edit...Now that it is time to get into bed, and try to put an end to yet another day. I can't help feeling completely defeated. It is time to bow out gracefully. To yeild to this defeat. Let it go. Now if I could only breath.

Sinking in the Depth of Depression.

2009-04-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

Depression is something that makes

you lose your sight.

I have been living in denial for a couple years now about my depression. In the last 3 weeks I have hit the worst low ever. I am completely sitting on rock bottom. I am not able to function. Work is a challenge I spend the most part of my day sitting at my desk crying uncontrollably. I have no patience for the girls, I am not sleeping, eating or drinking. I am in physical pain and my stomach is turning constantly.

I have never wanted to admit this because I didn't want to be less of a person or weak. I don't know what to do. I am so scared and so alone. I am in so much pain. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I have completely lost sight of any future. I just want the pain to stop. I pray to god every night that he will make it stop, or just let me die.

It is getting harder and harder to fake it. The mask keeps falling. It is a struggle to take the smallest breath. I don't understand what is going on or why I am in so much pain. I can't stand straight, I am constantly curled in a ball sobbing and sobbing. Even then the pain is still there.

I don't know what to do, or how to make it stop. I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I have completely lost sight.

Wow What a Month!!!

2009-04-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

The trick is growing up

without growing old.

March 26th. Happy 18th Bri. I can't believe I have a daughter that is 18. I am way too young to be a mom of an 18 year old. Bri and I have grown up together. That poor girl. She has grown into a strong, vibrant young women. I am so nervous for her to be an adult. I no longer have control over what happens. I can only sit back and pray I taught her enough, and I didn't screw up too badly. This is when my parenting skills will truly be tested.

My weight is still going down, just very slow now. I am wearing a size 7 or 9 which is a big change from 5 months ago when I was wearing a 20 or 22. I have always been a large chested girl, well I can honestly say that is the thing of the past. I really thought that if I just lost the weight I was carrying around, everything would start getting better. I really don't know what made me think such a silly thing. I am starting to feel that along with losing my weight I am losing my sanity. Not saying I had a lot to begin with.

For the last few months my life has been a roller coaster. My emotions are running very high. There has been a lot of changes and happenings.

4 Months

2009-03-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

I am a little late, or I guess more like a lot late. My 4 month weigh in was a bit disappointing. Without surgery the weight loss in a month wasn't bad at all, but I guess I was expecting the numbers to stay higher. I have lost a total of 73.5 pounds and 74.7 total inches. I am 16 pounds away from my surgeons goal, and 26 pounds away from mine.

I have been working out like crazy. My butt is so sore today. I remember now why I was so addicted to working out for all those years. I look forward to it everyday. It is a great way to clear your mind. It feels so good at the time and even better after. Well with the exception of my extremely sore ass.

I have had a few hard weeks this month. Feeling blue and wanting to eat. I have even went as far as trying to eat certain foods I know I shouldn't, but it only makes me ill. There were many of days that I wanted to hide in a bowl of ice cream. I am trying really hard to work through this, and find out what it is that makes me want to eat. I am trying to find happiness in other things, anything but food would be a start. Some days are way better then others.

One day at a time, one foot in front of another. Keep moving.

Here's a peek at my results so far. As my weight falls so does the rest of me (south) my boobs have shrunk away to almost nothing. I am looking foward to the lift and the tuck. Yes that day will come. I went this far I mine as get the full meal deal.

November 01, 2008

January 07, 2009March 07, 2009November 01, 2008January 07, 2009 March 07, 2009November 01, 2008January 07, 2009
March 07, 2009
November 01, 2008
January 07, 2009March 07, 2008
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss slowly!
Love truly!
Laugh uncontrollably!
And never regret anything that made you SMILE!!

(If it was only that easy)

2009-03-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

Every tomorrow has two handles.

We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety

or the handle of faith.

A few years ago when things got hard in my marriage Paul told me we were living in limbo and he told me I had to make decision. That is the day I threw in the towel, folded under the pressure and turned my back on our marriage. Now once again I feel like I am in limbo. The only difference is this time it is me that is having the problem with it. I don't know why it is bothering me. I don't want anything different in my life at this time, but I just feel stuck, or that something is missing.

For the most part I wake up feeling content and days even happy, but I can't help feeling this void in my life. I don't understand why or what it is. I really don't believe it is because I am alone. Yes there are nights that I am lonely, but not often and it really doesn't last long. I went out this weekend for a friends Birthday. We went for dinner and drinks, I was the only person there that wasn't part of a couple. It didn't bother me for a second. I didn't feel out of place or uncomfortable. I had a great time.

Maybe I just need a hobby Seriously who am I kidding, I have no time for that. I am at a loss. I am totally confused and don't understand why I am feeling this way. Hmmmm more time, more soul searching, and even more life lessons. I just have to have patience and faith.

This song reminds me of the day Paul told me we were in limbo. Funny the song has a completely different meaning to me now then it did then. With time there is change and growth. I have to just breath and have faith.

Wednesday Ramble.

2009-02-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

The world hates change,

yet it is the only thing that has brought progress

I have officially ran out of clothes that fit. I can pull off a few things that are in my closet, but even those are looking a little funny now. A belt can only do so much. I decided this week as much as I don't want to buy anything yet, I am going to have to buy one maybe even two pairs of pants. I really dislike shopping. When I shop I usually have a plan and an idea of what I want ahead of time. I go into the store grab the items, quickly make sure they fit, and get out as fast as I can. So that was my plan on Monday. I went into the store took 4 pairs of pants off the rack and went to the change room. I made sure to grab 4 sizes smaller then the last time I bought pants. I was shocked, all the pants I brought were still miles to big. I went and tried again taking another 3 sizes lower. To make a long story short I was in that store for over an hour. Even after I found the size I am right now. My body shape is completely different then it was before. Even when I was in this size years ago, everything fit differently. When I did finally get out of the store I only had one pair, and I have to say that one pair was 7 sizes smaller then they would have been 3 months ago.

We have a hiking trail here. It is a beautiful walk/run. It is about 6km long and in there are many steep hills. It is a great work out. I run/walk this trail every fall, summer and spring. There are many places through out this trail that I am unable to talk due to the lack of breath. When I am finished my face is bright red, and I am soaked from sweat. It was a beautiful day here on Sunday, the sun was out and it was above 10'c. So I decided it would be a great day to hit the trail. My girlfriend and I started out, there was still a bit of snow in places but it really wasn't bad. About half way through I realized that I wasn't completely out of breath. I was chatting away. We made great time, and when we were finished, I was hardly flushed, and was fairly dry. It hit me when I got back to my vehicle that I was not carrying a 67 pound weight while I am trying to run. It was amazing. I am looking forward to hitting this trail again very soon.

The weather here has been unbelievable for us. We have had blue sky for well over a week. A few rain drops here and there, but nothing like we are used to. I am loving it. I know it won't last, but while it does I plan on taking advantage.

Happy Hump Day!

Wearing the shoe on the other foot.

2009-02-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,

it's about days very wrongly invested

in a love affair.

I had an eye opening moment yesterday. A very close friend of mine called me to tell me she thinks her husband is having an affair. She saw an email he had wrote to a friend and he had made comments about being with other women. When he arrived home she confronted him. She did not disclose to him about reading the email, but simply said she knew and wanted to know who. She heard a lot more in that moment then she was expecting. He confessed to her that he has a lover on the side and has had for a while now. He confessed to having unprotected sex, and told her it was because he was unsatisfied with their sex life. Which she thought was very good. It was like she was hit by a train. She is in pain not just emotionally but physically as well. My heart is aching for this friend.

A rush of guilt over whelmed me today. I did this. I put my husband through this. Men deal with the hurt and pain differently, but non the less the pain was still very real. It brought me back to a time in my life that I am not proud of. I know that he even says that if he was a better husband it would have never happened, but he like my friend had no idea there was a problem. He thought we were very content and even happy. My friend thought and felt the same way. It was my responsibility to tell him that I wasn't happy and why. Instead I told another man, and the rest is history.

My friend told me tonight that they both want to work it out and stay together, but she is scared because she doesn't know how or if she will ever be able to get past this. She doesn't believe she can ever let it go. How do you trust again.

My husband tried and tried again. I rejected and pushed him away repeatedly. He really wanted to try and work it out. I couldn't do it. I didn't believe then he would ever be able to let it go or move past what had happened. I gave up and didn't want to fight or work at it. I took the easy way out. It has been almost 3 years and I often wonder what if, what if I wasn't such a coward.

I hope for my friend that they can work through this, and that he won't be the coward I was. I hope that they get the help they need to move on. To become stronger. I hope they both fight, and work hard. I do believe if they do it will be worth it in the end.

The shoe was officially put on the other foot for me today. I see it through his eyes after all this time. One more lesson I have learned on this journey of self discovery.

Happy Birthday Ash!

2009-02-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

Every year on your birthday,

you get a chance to start new.

Wow where did the time go. 15 years have flown by. It feels like just yesterday you were put into my arms. You are growing up so fast.

It has been a difficult year. This is such a hard age. Trying to figure out where you belong in this world. It is hard to sit back and watch you struggle. I have faith in you. You are such a strong girl, and very stubborn.

I know you have a bright future ahead. You have the biggest heart, and are very compassionate. Although refusing to let anyone take advantage of that.

Here is to a wonderful year full of laughter and success.

Peaceful Sunrise

2009-02-11T23:31:00.001-08:00

True happiness is...

to enjoy the present,

without anxious dependence upon the future.

I woke up the other morning and I realized that I was completely content. I was happy. I was excited to get up and face the day. I was smiling and even feeling a bit joyful. This morning I had to be up after only an hour of sleep, and still I wasn't cranky. I am calm and at peace with my life.

I have finally found that peace I have been searching for. It has been such a long time since I remember feeling this way. It has been a long hard road. I got to the point where I never thought it would ever happen. Yet here I am.

I don't know what lies a head for me. What ever it may be I am actually a little excited about it. This is all so new to me. I understand now how it is that Paul has grown and become this calmer wiser person. He allowed time to heal and teach, he has had space and time alone to reflect and learn. This is something I have never done, until now.

Today is a new day, the first day of the rest of my life. I am happy really truly happy.

3 Months Post Op

2009-02-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

Success isn't a result

of spontaneous combustion.

You must set yourself on fire.

3 months post op and biggest milestone yet! I have lost a total of 63.1 pounds and 63.8 inches.

I have had a few minor milestones, but nothing significant, until this week that is. My youngest daughter is now 6 1/2. I can no longer lift her she is too big and way too heavy. When she sits on me I can feel the weight after a short time, she is heavy. Rae weighs herself everyday. She is trying to reach the magic weight where she will no longer have to sit in a booster seat. Rae stepped on the scale yesterday and yelled out 62.6 pounds. My jaw dropped! I have lost an entire Raegan.

I can't believe it has been 3 months already. Time flies. I am feeling really good. I have way more energy then I thought possible. I started weight training this month. My weight loss has slowed down, but I am feeling stronger, and healthier. I do not have any clothes that fit me properly and refuse to buy some until I am at least 6 months out. The few of my skinny clothes I held onto, fit different then they did when I wore them last. The weight I have lost is falling from different places I guess. I have also noticed that as I am thinning I am also falling south. YIKES!! My hair loss has slowed, Yay!! but now I have found a few grey hair, UGH!! I have only ever found one other grey in my life and this week alone I found 3. I have stopped looking.

Eating is not an easy challenge. I tend to take one too many bites and many times after I eat I feel like crap. It doesn't take long to pass and it is slowly getting better. There are so many foods I can no longer tolerate. I find that I am not struggling as much with my addiction to food and poor eating habits. I have only really been suffering during PMS. I want to eat all day and I want salty sweet food. So needless to say I am a bit crankier then normal due to food addiction withdrawal. I don't know how to fix this or if there is a fix.

That pretty much sums it up. Another month down a few more pounds and inches lost. I have lost a entire Raegan. As much as I love her I can't imagine carring her around everywhere.

A Passion of Mine.

2009-02-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

I heard this song last night and it brought me back to my first love. I absolutely love any and all kinds of music. Most music I associate to a time and place in my life. Who I was with, what I was doing and even how I was feeling.

At this time in my life I was in Jr High and he was in Sr High. We both lived on the same block and met every morning before school. He would hand me a mixed tape and a long hand written letter from the night before. I couldn't wait to get the tape into my walkman and read what he had to say.

These letters were like no others I have read. They were his heart and soul poured out onto paper. He fears, dreams, his pain, and life his life challenges. They were deep and full of pain. The music was always a large mix from country to heavy metal. We were together everyday after school and most evenings and all weekends. There was always music playing. Every time a new song came on the stereo he would play who sings this. I was really bad at this game, but over the years have mastered it. These two songs are two he played often. At the time I never use to pay attention to the lyrics like I do now. I was so wrapped up in him I don't even think I really heard what he was writing in those letters either.

We broke up over a stupid misunderstanding and fight. We almost got back together, but I am a bit stubborn at times and screwed that up. My heart hurt a pain I swear at times I can still feel. We remained friends. He moved away and even then we stayed in touch. I knew so many of his secrets and the load he was caring around with him everyday, but again overlooked it.

When he was 23 years old he committed suicide. I will never forget that day or that phone call. It will be 15 years this July. I still think about him all the time and often wonder if I could have done something to prevent this. I new so much of his pain. There were so many red flags. I wish I would have said something to someone but never wanted to break his trust. A life lesson I will never forget. I wish he was around for one more game of "who sings this" For the record I would kick his ass.

Soul Searching.

2009-02-03T23:57:00.000-08:00

The purpose of life

is a life of purpose

For the most part of my adult life I was known as Paul's girlfriend or wife. He was my knight in shinning armor. He fixed my problems and took care of the things for me I thought I couldn't handle. He fought many battles for me. He was my biggest supporter in any adventure I decided to pursue. He was my security, stability and the only constant I have ever known.

With that in mind, now I have no idea who I am or where I belong in this life. The journey I was on and thought I would stay on for the rest of my life, well I took a wrong turn and years later I am still completely lost. Paul has now moved on and has a girl friend. She does not live here but has been here a few times to visit. She has met our girls and they think she is the best as well as beautiful. I am happy for him, but wow it's hard.

In December I wrote him an email and well for the lack of a better word BEGGED him to come home. Yeah just a few years too late I know. All he had to say to me about it was "are you okay" So that pretty much summed it up. I think he thinks I have lost my mind, that or he was trying hard not to laugh at me. Now I think he is uncomfortable around me. Bri invited him over for dinner and a family night this week, I am sure he was dying to say no but didn't want to hurt her, so he said it was up to me because it was my house. Nobody has brought it up since.

I see how much Paul has grown in the last few years. He sees where we went wrong. He is calmer and wiser. He learned so much from our relationship. He is living his journey. He is going to make an unbelievable partner. His girlfriend is a lucky girl.

For the most part I am loving being single. I am missing having a companion at times, but I keep myself busy enough so I don't feel lonely. It is such a new learning experience for me. I have a lot to learn though. I need to find out who I am, what my passions are. I need to learn how to stand on my very own two feet without leaning on someone for support. I need to learn how to change the oil in the van and the damn windshield wiper that is driving me postal. Don't even get me started on shopping for a new vehicle. Dating is not even a thought for me. I am far from being there. I will admit this week I have been craving a kiss, not just any kiss but that kind of a kiss that makes you weak in the knees, and makes your heart skip. I have signed up for a meditation/yoga workshop, I am really hoping this helps with some of this. It is my turn to grow, learn, become calmer and wiser.

2009-01-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

There is no passion to be found playing small -

in settling for a life that is less than the one

you are capable of living.

What's your passion? I was asked this question yesterday. I always thought of myself as a passionate person. Now as I sit back and try to figure out what I am passionate for, I am at a loss. I used to be passionate about my job, and well with time and politics that has changed. I am passionate about my children, but I am a mom. They will grow up and move and then what?? I would love to be passionate about traveling and seeing the world, but with my lack of funds that has been put on hold as well.

Over the years I have obsessed about things, working out, volunteering, and many others. Now I have nothing. I work everyday day, long hours at times. I have my kids and the house. I make to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, but that is it. It is the same ole same ole day in and day out. I need to find out what I am passionate for. How do you do that? Where do I start?

Life Lessons

2009-01-16T09:56:00.001-08:00

After A While

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn...

It has taken me a while, but I am slowly learning. It is going to be a year full of lessons for me. Some self searching, and getting to know who I am. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet. I need to learn to get up and dust myself off, without any help from others. I need to learn that it is okay to be alone, to be single. It is okay not to be dating, not to be having sex. I do NOT need a man to exist.

I am sorry for my part in any broken hearts. I have to learn that I am not responsible for others happiness. I am only responsible for my own. I have to learn that I need to start coming first, or at least second or third. I have to keep reminding myself just because someone is deeply in love with me that does not mean I have to love them back or stay with them just because they have these feelings. My feelings count too.

Life lessons, there are so many to learn. It has taken me over 30 years to even consider trying to learn any of them. It is time. It is my time. It is time to make time for ME. Now if I can only do all of this without feeling so damn selfish. I guess that will be lesson two.

2 Months Already!

2009-01-11T20:55:00.000-08:00

Two months have past. I have lost 50 pounds and 49 inches in total. I am half way to my goal. I really didn't see the difference when I looked into a mirror, but when I took my two month pictures I finally saw it. Wow I was really heavy. I am losing weight very different then I usually do, but I am not going to complain as long as I am losing.

In this last couple months have learned a lot about myself and my eating habits. I would love to blame all of my weight gain on the pills I am taking or my inactive thyroid, but the truth is I am the one that is ultimately responsible for it. Food makes you fat and I put the food into my body. I have learned that food made me happy, so I would eat to make myself feel better. I have had a few hard years, and well my ass shows it. I can't believe I let myself get this large and this unhealthy.

I really looked very horrible in these pictures, almost like a serial killer. I looked extremely miserable. It might have something to do with the hundred extra pounds I was caring around every where with me.

Kids are Soooo Honest!

2009-01-02T07:14:00.000-08:00

Honesty is as rare

as a man without self-pity.

Kids are so honest you have to love them. Rae jumped in the shower with me yesterday as she often does. She decides she wants to wash my back, everything was good until she got quiet. You know when this child becomes quiet you are in for something. You can actually feel her thinking. Another scary thing. Finally she broke the silence with "mom, your back is skinny now, and your butt is shrinking a little, but it is still HUGE" You have to love the honesty and innocence of a child. Who else would be brave enough to tell a naked 34 year old women her ass is huge.

New Years!

2008-12-30T13:40:00.000-08:00

Newly beginning or recurring;

starting anew; now commencing;

different from has been; as, a new year;

a new course or direction.

I can't believe an entire year has past. I feel the older I get the faster time passes. 2008 wasn't the greatest year, I have had worse, but I definitely have had better. I have felt great loss, pain, and frustration this year. I am hoping with the start of the New Year I will start to put the past in the past and move on. It is time to heal and move forward. I can't change the past so I have to learn to let it go. To do this on New Years makes total sense to me, my life totally changed on New years eve 14 years ago, now it is time to let it go and make another change.

I have regret, I wish I hadn't been so stubborn, I wish I could have seen the future, I wish I wouldn't have done the things I did out of hurt and anger, I wish I wouldn't have gave up like I did, I wish I would have fought harder. BUT.... I can't change that now, I can no longer dwell on that. I can only learn from my loss and move on.

I don't usually make a New Years Resolution, but have decided to do that this year. I know the typical one is to loss weight, but think that might be cheating, I am pretty confident that I will be doing that. My new years resolution for 2009 is not to use any credit at all. I will close all my accounts and cut up all my cards. I am scared, but I have backed myself into a corner and I need to get out before I lose everything I have worked so hard for. I will focus on my physical, mental and financial health for the year 2009.

On a different note the weight is still dropping, some days it amazes me, other days it worries me. I haven't noticed the physical difference when I look into the mirror. It still just looks like me. I am looking forward to getting into some weight training, my body is the softest it has ever been. Even at my heaviest weight I felt solid, this is NO longer the case. It is very apparent to me that my body is feasting on my muscles. Which only makes sense when I step on the scale and see that I have lost 45 lbs in 8 weeks.

I hope everyone has a safe and festive New Years. Lets say goodbye to 2008 and bring on 2009. Here's to a bright and happy future.

Happy New Year!!!!

2008-12-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a holiday

that persecutes the lonely,

the frayed, and the rejected.

My house is decorated, my tree is up and decorated, my shopping is almost finished, and I am half way done all my baking. About 3 weeks ago all I wanted was for Christmas to go away. I just wasn't feeling it. I am beyond broke, I was unorganized, and just didn't want to deal with it.

So I've come along way in a couple weeks. I am trying not to be that victim of Christmas, it has never been an easy holiday for me. I am one of the many that feel very alone this time of year. Which makes NO sense considering I am usually surrounded by people.

My mom is coming up this year, as hard as that is going to be I am looking forward to it. It has been 9 years since I have spent Christmas with my mom.

I am trying not to blog about my weight every time I log on, but it is so hard because I am obsessing about it right now. I am happy to report the scale has started moving, and well.... that is all I will say about that.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Christmas parties, their families, and all the other festivities this time of year.

One Month Post Op!

2008-12-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

Patience is the companion of wisdom.

Today marks one month post op. I have lost a total of 31.5 pounds and 21.6 inches off my body.

I have officially hit my first weight stall. The scale has not moved in over a week. I was prepared for this. I knew it was coming. I am trying not to panic, I am trying to just have patience. I know my body has to catch up. Everything I have read says about a month after surgery this happens.

I am finding it difficult only because I have put my body through hell, I have rearranged my insides. I would say it was extreme at the least. I would really hate it to fail.

So deep breath and just keep plugging. Eating still is not an easy task for me. I eat then I feel blaa. I am still not getting enough fluid. My skin is drying out, and my head has been pounding. I never thought drinking would be an issue. It is improving a little but I am no where near getting enough.

Everything else in my life is going well. I finally started my Christmas shopping. I am just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Hopefully it will hit soon. Less then 3 weeks away.

Hello? Can you hear me??

2008-12-02T02:06:00.000-08:00

It's easy to be led astray

when you're so broken.

People take advantage of you.

I feel that I have lost my voice. I don't think anyone can hear me. I know I have spoken, I have heard my words past my lips, yet I don't think they fell on any open ears. I have tried emailing my words, and yet nothing! I am at a loss. I am feeling broken and beat.

I am on the verge of a complete break down, I want to jump and down and stomp my feet. I am frustrated and at times even angry. Do my feeling not mean anything.? What next? Deep breath, one day at a time and today is a new day. I will try again. It's time... Please....

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

Two Weeks Already!!!!!!!

2008-11-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

This is Five pounds of fat

I have lost 5 of these

All change is not growth,

as all movement is not forward

I can't believe two weeks have passed already. I was shocked this morning when I stepped on the scale and realized I have lost 25 pounds in two weeks. How is that even possible.

I never thought I had issues with food. I don't miss eating big meals. I am sad once in a while when I realize I can't eat certain foods ever again. (like the huge Mr Good bar in Kmart, that's a whole other story) BUT.... on the most part I am okay with my new diet, my entire new lifestyle. What I don't understand is why on earth is it that every night while I am sleeping I dream of food, I dream I am eating chocolate and many other foods that are forbidden. Well this and I dream of Paul every night since my surgery. Food and Paul. I wonder what this means.

Other then that I have been feeling really good. I no longer enjoy eating. I am starting to hate it actually. It is a challenge, and I don't feel so great after I eat. I am NOT getting enough protein or fluids. I tend to dehydrate myself. I eat around 100 calories a day which I don't think is nearly enough. This weeks I am focusing on fluids and protein and when I get that down I will work on my caloric intake.

I am looking forward to working out and running, but I still have to wait for a few more weeks for that, I am restricted to walking, walking and more walking. Speaking of that I better get to it. Oh and did I mention it is raining sideways, blowing 67km and gusting up to 95km. Great weather for a walk. UGH!!!!!!!!!

4 Days Post OP!

2008-11-11T16:59:00.001-08:00

I believe in angels, so it's simple.

I traveled all this way, I am away from all my friends and family. I met the man who I was putting my life into his hands, just the day before he did. I was in a strange hospital, with different ways of doing things and much BIGGER needles. Desperate, yes today I realized just how desperate I was to find this soul that has been buried under this foreign shell of a body for too long.

The surgery went well, I had a bit of an issue with my pressure falling and me fainting, but they figured it out to be my epidural conflicting with my daily head meds. So they took out the epidural and I just had to tough it out with a little help from pain control through my IV. It was manageable.

I have angels. I must have angels. They kept me calm and at peace with this choice I have taken. I will be traveling down a foreign road for a while. I am not hungry nor thirsty, EVER. I went 3 full days with no food or water and yet the thought of either were nauseating. I managed to eat 39 calories yesterday and a half of a bottle of water. I really never thought I would see the day that I was trying to intake calories.

I am in a beautiful part of the world, the sun has been shinning everyday and the weather is very warm, but I am home sick. I would do anything right now to tap these heals and say "no place like home" and magically appear in my home. I have never traveled and been home sick. It must be just because I am not feeling myself. Today I am a bit blue, but this was on the agenda so I keep telling myself that.

They say everyday gets easier, so tomorrow is a new day.

A few hours after surgery!

I think I look a bit better now. (I hope)

Less then 2 weeks!!!

2008-10-25T13:42:00.001-07:00

Success is often the result

of taking a misstep

in the right direction.

Yesterday marked the 2 week home stretch. I started my 2 week pre op diet. I had my official last supper. I have gotten my American money. Freakin dollar!!!! I can't believe of all times for the Canadian dollar to crash. That cost me an additional 3 thousand dollars.

My youngest daughter said to me yesterday that she really didn't want me to go and have surgery because she didn't want me to die. UGH!!!

When I am done posting this I have to take my measurements, weight and take my before pictures. I am really dreading all of that.

My weekend away was better then expected. It was really nice to hang out with my sisters and mom. We have never done that before, and have decided to make a yearly event of it. The concert to my surprise was really entertaining. I do have to admit she may not be my favorite artist, but she does have an amazing singing voice and put on a great show. The opening act was a comedian Gordie Brown. He was very talented and really funny. I would go to one of his shows again.

Little Landon has been buried and put to rest. Now it is time to heal. I don't think people ever get over such a tragedy, but hopefully with some counselling they will be able to go on. My uncle hasn't been able to go home. He can't face what happened there. There is so much sadness and pain in everyone. I can never find the right words, I always feel useless in times like these. I just wish I new what to say or do. What do you say?

Thanks for all the prayers and kind words. They mean the world to me. Okay now on to the scale and pictures. UGH!!! I will post these after, maybe in a year from today.

Thanksgiving Weekend.

2008-10-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

It is not length of life,

but depth of life.

A reason to be thankful on a thankless holiday. Just when I am enjoying my own little pity party, life once again tosses me a reminder on just how good I have it.

I have been whining about money, work, having to travel down to Vancouver next weekend to attend the Celine Dion concert with my mom and two sisters. God forbid I spend time with family, and really Celine Dion please!

I was at work last night just a typical night shift. My phone rings, it was close to midnight. For some reason it sent chills down my spine and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. It was my mom, I knew right away something was wrong.

My moms tells me that our family has suffered a terrible tragedy. The silence that followed that sentence seem to last forever.... finally she was able to continue.

My uncle (her brother) had his family home for Thanksgiving. His two daughters, who are around my age with their boys and husbands. His son who is a few years younger and single. They all had a big family dinner on Sunday with my Aunt and her family.

His middle daughter Jen was visiting from Edmonton she has two boys 5 and 2. Monday morning they were all packing up to leave and the two boys wanted one last tractor ride with grandpa before the long car ride home. This is a favorite things all the kids do while visiting there.

So the two boys and their grandpa set out for their tractor ride, as they have done many times before. Jen's youngest boy the two year old started to get sleepy and must have nodded off for just a second. A second long enough to fall, her little guy fell right under the tire of the tractor and his grandpa ran him over killing him.

Everyone was there, everyone watched it happen. In that split second that entire family's life has changed instantly. Never being the same again. How do you move on from that. Where do you go from there. That poor man, dealing with the fact he killed his grandson, his poor daughter, losing her baby, her other son who was there to watch his brother fall to his death. The rest of the family there witnessing and not being able to stop the events from happening.

How do you not question why? Why in that horrible way did that little man have to die? Why did it have to happen the way it did? I just don't understand why?

So here I sit once again reflecting on my life. My wonderful, wonderful life. I have 3 healthy beautiful, vibrant, happy girls. We all have our health. My life has NO drama. We are happy, healthy and living a very pleasant life. For that I have a thousand thanks to give, on this thankless Thanksgiving.

New Everyday Vocabulary

2008-09-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

WLS
Protein, protein and more protein.
Vitamin B12
Dumping Syndrome
Hair Loss
Biotin
RNY
OH
Nauseous
Liquid diet
Soft food Diet

These are a few words that have now became part of my daily vocabulary. I really don't know how much more reading I can do on this subject, I really think I have read everything ever written. I have even watched a hundred or so youtube videos.

I am starting to become anxious and a bit nervous. I haven't really let myself become excited about the changes that will occur. I know that there is so much more work ahead before any change will happend.

I have advised all of my family. I have my will in order and I am working on letters to the girls. You just never know and I would hate to have not been prepared.

My Song!!!!

2008-09-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

This song was written about me!!! Well maybe not for "me" but for someone that sounds just like me.

Understanding!

2008-09-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

While at work I have this thing I do during my lunch. I read the Province News paper. I know very normal right. Well I always skip the headlines and go right to the Obituaries. I can't help it. I figure the family wants you to read them and that is why they post them in the News paper right?

I find it very interesting to learn about a person's entire life in a short editorial. It is like meeting someone for the first and last time. I don't find them sad, but actually very enlightening. The first thing I look for is how old they were. I figure as long as you have had a couple years of retirement you have lived a good and full life.

Today while reading the paper I found myself not just shedding a tear, but actually sobbing. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this young man. Here I am at midnight still thinking of him and his family. The obituary was so well written. The entire editorial saddens me, yet at the same time brought a smile to my face.

Here it is, I am posting it to share it with others. You might need a tissue. Lastly I am left with questioning why. It always seems to be the good who die young. So if you can help me understand that would be greatly appreciated.

Mattias Hunter Hemmingson

HEMMINGSON Mattias Hunter It is with great sadness that Drew and Lori announce the passing of their beloved son Mattias on Thursday, September 11, 2008. He was born in North Vancouver on February 21, 1999. He died peacefully in his parents arms with his sister Kai at his side after a 14 month long courageous battle with a brain tumour. This nine year old accomplished so much in such a short time. His strong, vibrant, focused, and powerful approach including an amazing, fun-loving, happy, and adventurous spirit led him to become the 2005 and 2006 BC Provincial and Canadian National BMX Champion. Riding bikes at 2 years, his boundless energy and athleticism allowed him to enjoy mountain biking with his dad on the North Shore and Whistler, snowboarding, skiing, soccer, skateboarding, swimming, racing bikes and fishing at Papa's Lake. He loved oreo blizzards, this and that chow mein, strawberry milkshakes, rice krispie squares, sprite slurpees, his mom's oatmeal cookies and grandma's shortbread. He blessed us with a huge smile, big belly laugh, his love of pranks, jokes, games and his natural peacemaking ways. Matt was truly loved by all. He did everything with his whole heart; whether it was playing video games, hosting sleepovers, or making crafts with his little sister Kai. Matt woke up early to get a whole lot of living done, while fearlessly moving on to the next task at hand. He always strived to be a better person and not to settle. His dad and mom always told him that "Every parent's dream is to have a boy like you and they have the best boy in the world". What a ride Matt! Way to go! Now we say to you "Pedal, pedal, pedal." He will be sadly missed by his Mom and Dad and sister Kai, Great-Grandma and Grandpa Mate, Grandparents Nikki, Bill, Ivan, and Ella, Uncles Kelly, Larry (Victoria), Dave (Heather), Aunts Angie (Don), Lisza (Roger), Vicki, Paula and cousins Taylor, Chris, Lisa, Kelly, Brock, Courtney and Alexis. Matt's best friend Alex, his mom Tracy, Kyle and Ben and all of his BMX community in Canada and the US will miss this incredible boy. Drew and Lori would like to thank Helen Stolte for her love and guidance throughout, Dr. Rod Rassekh at Vancouver Children's Hospital and all the staff at Canuck Place for their awesome care. To everyone who donated to Mattias' trust fund to the fundraisers so Drew and Lori could be at Matt's side. Please join us for a celebration of Matt's life - Saturday, September 20, 2008 at 11:00am at Christ the Redeemer at 599 Keith Road, West Vancouver, BC. A gathering of friends and family will follow at the Church. In lieu of flowers, donations to Canuck Place in Mattias' name would be greatly appreciated.

Soul Mate

2008-09-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

"Dance like nobody's watching;

love like you've never been hurt.

Sing like nobody's listening;

live like it's heaven on earth."

This is what I want! Love like I have never been hurt, but I just can't.

I have done so much soul searching. I need to get my life back. I need to find myself once again. I miss me. I miss my laughter. For months now I have been feeling totally lost and completely out of place. I don't know where my place is in life anymore, I just don't know where I belong.

I have been doing a ton of thinking about my marriage and if I made the right choice. I don't feel like I fought hard enough. I think I should have tried harder. I can't help, but feel that I made a rash decision based on crap. If that makes any sense at all.

I used to think that there was one person in the world for everyone. A soul mate. I thought when you found this person you would just know. I pictured it to be an intense relationship with a ton of passion. Let's be real people!!

Maybe there is just one person for everyone, but I don't see it the same way anymore. I think being with someone for years at a time, and still having endless things to talk about. Have endless support and unconditional love, to me this is a soul mate.

I know our marriage was far from perfect, but I don't know anyone who has that perfect marriage. It takes work. I didn't work hard enough. I quit I just gave up. I am not easy to live with either. There are days I don't even want to live with me.

So now what? I don't' know, I wish I had the answers but I don't. I can't move on, I can't love like I have never been hurt. I move through my life one day at a time feeling completely out of place. I miss my place in life I use to have.

Summer has Ended

2008-09-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

It is not length of life,

but depth of lifeTo kick off the grad year Bri and her grad class had a grad camp out. Yeah I know crazy, they all slept in tents outside the school on the first day of school. I still am finding this so surreal. I am way too young to have a child graduating. Despite what all the doctors said after all the testing this girl has gone through she will be graduating and even on time. Wow!!

We have a exchange student from Japan staying with us for this school year. What is one more girl really! She is such a joy to have around. I think it will be very had to say good bye in July!

Hockey season has started. Ash was always a hockey groupie. Her girlfriends and her spent many hours at the rink watching in awww the boys practice and play. I thought she mine as well get out there and join them. She wasn't all the excited about it. Oh well!!!

Rae also joined, and she is even playing with the boys this year. I never thought I would see the day, but believe it or not she is loving it. She is a good little skater and I do think she will do well at this. I have spent so many warm hours sitting on the pool deck for Bri. I am welcoming the cool change. That and I do love hockey.

The kittens are all growing up. It is now time to find them new homes. I hope where ever they go it will have a dog or two to keep them busy. They do love the dogs. Although JJ won't play with them because he is so afraid of them. This is why his nic name is Vaa- J.J. Because he is such a pussy.

And............ Well for me I am about to make a huge live changing choice. I have suffered for years and years from debilitating migraine head aches. For the last five years I have been on a combination of medications to prevent these. The side effect of these drugs is excessive weight gain. I have gained an average of 20 pounds a year. Yeah that's right I have gained a hundred pounds have put on. I have went off the meds a few times over the years and have lost a lot of weight but with time the head aches come back with a vengeance and they up my meds and I put back on the weight with additional pounds as well.

This summer I did a ton of research, spoke to a few doctors and now even a surgeon or two. On November 7th I am going down to the states to have Bariatric surgery. It is major surgery and I am afraid. The surgery was a huge choice, it is a fairly dangerous surgery. Then after the surgery my life will totally change as I know it.

My weight has been very hard on my mental health and I am sure it won't be long and it will be hard on my physical health as well. I used to go to the gym 5 days a week and run every second day. Now with all the added weight running and working out is extremely difficult. I miss exercise it is so good for your mind and soul.

So that was my summer. I am still in pursuit of happiness and do believe I have taken steps to get there mentally and physically. School is back and I am getting back in to a routine. I am hoping that routine includes blogging once again. I have really missed it.

Plugging Along!!

2008-07-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

Believe that life is worth living

and your belief will help create the fact.

This pretty cat adopted us in the beginning of March. She left us in April only to return at the beginning of May. She came in our cat door and made herself at home. She is a very people oriented cat and has made herself part of our family. In June I noticed that she was growing and her boobs were protruding. This picture was taken Mid July. Her tummy was very large and she was clearing uncomfortable. On Wednesday July 23rd in the morning she went into her nursery (yes she has a nursery) She got into her bed and gave birth to five very cute kittens. As a cat owner I have always insisted on fixing the cat to insure this didn't happen. I can't believe I never gave it any thought being that I never adopted her, she just moved in.

When I am feeling a bit blue, or just having a blaaa day, I go into her nursery and look at this faces and my mood instantly changes. It has been 10 days now and they have changed a lot since these pictures. Their little eyes are now starting to open and they are really trying hard to walk.

On another note I have taken up a new hobby this summer. I have learned how to fish and have become very addicted to it. This is the picture of the very first fish I have ever caught. I felt bad and let it go, but I have slowly changed my ways. I kept a couple last week. I have to admit they tasted very good.

Hedley

2008-07-16T09:21:00.001-07:00

Rae helping Bri and Brit with their sign. Rae has been lead to believe that Pubes are body hair and thinks her sister and friends are crazy.

Bri and Brit ready to go with sing in hand.

Bri and Brit had front row centre stage tickets. Lucky bums.

After the concert the band signing things. This is Jacob talking to Rae.

2008-07-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Time is what we want most,

but what we use worst.

Rae on her 4th Birthday 2006

Rae on her 6th Birthday 2008

With time there is change and growth. The grass is a little greener then it was two years ago. Literally look at how the grass is greener. I have worked very hard on that lawn to grow it and make it greener. Not an easy task where I come from.

I feel like I have blinked and lost 2 years of my life. This summer Bri has got her drivers licence and Ash got a job. Rae... Well she's six what can I say, other then she thinks she is 16 and the boss.

As for the pursuit of happiness, well what can I say. I have done all that is needed and yet today my chest is tighter then it has been in months. I can't breath. I am working day and night and I feel like with every passing day I fall further and further behind. I am questioning if it is worth it. When is it my time to just be a mom, or just be a friend. Neither of which I am doing well. I don't have time. Sleep? What is that?

So tonight here I am back at work. I am a mess my head is cluttered, my heart is hurting and I am frustrated and exhausted. Why? I keep asking that question over and over and yet I have not found the answer. Maybe tomorrow.

On a good note the sun has been out for a couple of days now, it has been great. I love the sun. When I retire (if I make it) I will be somewhere warm and sunny 12 months a year. Hmmmm... Maybe that is why?

Friday Humor!

2008-06-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edgeege. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Time Out!

2008-06-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

Joy Always comes after Pain

I had a little dental surgery done on Tuesday afternoon, so everything else in my life has been put on hold.

I have a mouth full of stitches. The pain is great, although today it's feeling a bit better.

Paul called from PG yesterday, he wanted to know if he got tickets for Hedley if I would take the girls.... AHHHHH DUH!!!! Of course I LOVE Hedley. We will be watching them live on July 10th. I can't wait. Thanks Paul.

Pursuit of Happiness!!

2008-06-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

Happiness is a choice

that requires effort at times.

I am tired of coming here and complaining and dwelling. I do use this space to vent and try and let go of things. I can't do that anymore. I can't be so down and out all the time. I need to find happiness. I need some inner peace in my life. Today is the first day on my journey in pursuit of happiness.

I had a light bulb moment last week. Sitting in a movie theater of all places. It felt more like a large building falling on my head, but really non the less a light bulb moment. I realized that second how incredibly unhappy I really am. I am no longer stimulated at my job, I am unhappy with my physical and mental health, I am unhappy in my relationships with friends and family. I didn't deal well with this discovery and had a couple blahh days, but then tried to do what I do best and that is ignore the whole issue. Surprise surprise it didn't work.

I don't remember the last time it felt good to get up in the morning, where I smiled when my eyes opened and I looked forward to the day ahead. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to going to work. I don't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and was happy with what I saw. I don't remember a day where I got through all 24 hours without crying at least once.

I have spent my entire life trying to please others, or trying to prove to others that I am this great tower of strength. All which have done nothing for my mental health. I think I have come to my breaking point. I CAN NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS.

I have always questioned my ability to love or be in love. I have realized today that I can't love or accept anyone when I can't love or accept myself. So I have a list of things I have to do, non are easy.

I am going to take a vow of celibacy. Find a good counselor. Get to know me, find out who I really am. Then I will hopefully start to accept me, and maybe even eventually start to like myself.

So here is to my pursuit to happiness and self discovery.

Happy Hump Day!!

2008-05-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

My van was in an incident back in November. It was a bit of a nightmare with the insurance company, but from what I am told this is not unusual. The incident was the fault of the other driver. I was fully covered and even refunded the deductible.

Last week out of the blue I decided to check my bank statement. This is something I never ever ever do. While reading my statement I noticed that my vehicle insurance had not come out of my account. I checked the computer so I could go back a few months and sure enough the insurance money hadn't left my account.

Monday morning I decided I better inquire with the insurance agent locally and see if they know why. I asked the agent if it is possible they canceled my policy. She insured me that they would never do this and if by chance they did I would have received a registered letter and they would also be informed and would be in touch with me.

She ascertained all the required information from me and pulled up my policy on the computer, she stopped talking and all she could get out was "Hmmmmm... Welll..... Hmmmmm... One moment I will be right back" She returned with a file in her hand. It turns out that the private insurance company had cancelled my insurance policy. They did sent a registered letter, but it was returned to them because I was not home to sign for it. The insurance company did not try to contact me after that.

I have been driving without insurance for over six months now. I have rented a car twice and never bought insurance believing I was fully covered under this policy. The insurance agent explained to me that this never happens, she expressed how sorry she was and explained that the system has failed me.

This is all fine, but I can't help thinking........WHAT IF????????????

My Grandfather

2008-05-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

Not a tenth of us are doing as well as we could
if we merely followed the principles
that were known to our grandfathers.

I clean for a women every Thursday afternoon. She is around 85 years old. I have started really looking forward to my Thursday afternoons. I think she does well. Her husband is in long term care and she now lives alone. I look forward to the stories of how it use to be. What it was like here 50 years ago. We talk about fashion, housing, change, the war. Her husband fought in the war here. She has been married for over 61 years. Today our conversation made me think of my grandfather.

While I was down visiting for my grandparents anniversary I learned a little more about my grandfather. Every time I go home for a visit I seem to learn just a little more. I have always known that my grandfather's brother was killed in the war, he died in a Koren concentration camp. My grandfather who was under age took his brothers dog tags and his ID and and went to war. My grandfather barely ever speaks of these times. I have never understood why, well until recently that is.

Last Christmas when I went home I was obsessing over the German Holocaust. I had read any book I could get my hands on, I watched ever movie ever made regarding the Holocaust. We were having drinks the night I got to my dads and I was telling them about a book I was reading. It was written by a Jewish man who survived life at Auschwitz. My grandfather looked at me with an expression I have never seen on his face before, he then told me he was in the first troop of soldiers to reach Auschwitz. He then told me he would never forget the smell. That was all that was said. He would not speak of it again, nor did I dare ask.

This trip home my dad and I were talking about my grandfather and how he has been ill and how he has aged greatly over the last few years. He is looking tired. We talked of how sad it is, but how he has lived an incredible and full life, and the things that man has seen we could only ever imagine. I commented on how I wish he would tell more stories of life back then, and how I only gets bits and pieces here and there. So my dad finished the story that my grandfather started last Christmas. Yes he was one of the first soldiers to step foot in that awful place, but what I learned from my dad was that my grandfather was tasked with the job of shoveling out the many, many ovens that were used as a crematorium. No wonder he said to me that night "I'll never forget the smell"

I also learned that for a few years after the war ended, my grandfather was a secret agent and did spy work. I thought was really cool. It would never make up for what he saw in Auschwitz, that I can not even being to imagine what that was like, and how that has haunted him over the years.

In 1943, this row of ovens were completed at Auschwitz, which gave this camp the most ovens of all camps.

In 1945 when the soldiers arrived at Auschwitz this is what they saw. This is what my grandfather had to shovel out of the ovens.

Sleep!!

2008-05-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

The best cure for insomnia

is to sleep.

I climbed into bed last night shortly after 10pm. I set my alarm for 4:45am. I hate day shifts. I turned on CSI and got comfy. I actually fell asleep before the program ended. I bet I was sleeping by 10:45pm. Which really is very early for me. 11:15pm I awoke in a cold sweat, I had yet another nightmare.

By this time the TV had shut off and it was dark in my room. I really thought I would be able to roll over and fall back to sleep. No such luck. Instead I laid there for what felt like hours rewriting my life in my head. This was not helping me fall asleep at all so I turned the TV back on.

3 episodes of Friends later I am still wide awake. I changed the channel to some extremely dry and boring program on the history channel. This usually does the trick. No such luck. 2am I decided I better turn the TV off and just try to fall asleep on my own.

2:30am still staring at my ceiling. By 3:00am I have finished decorating and renovating my entire house. 3:30am I re did all my fiances. 4:00am I seconded guessed all my past and present relationships and over analyzed every little bit of it. 4:30am I again rewrote my entire life story. 4:43am I finally fall asleep. 4:45am my alarm goes off. This is why we have snooze on our alarm clocks.

Now that I am at work and having to function all my body wants to do is sleep. My eyes weigh a ton. My head is even heavier. The room is spinning. Not a great way to start my very hectic week.

Ass!!!

2008-05-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Friendship sometimes ends in Love,

but Love never ends in Friendship

Paul called me last night, a few people called him and told him to read my last post. His voice was hurt. I know that tone. It cut through me like a sharp knife. He told me I made him look and sound like a real ass! If that is the case why is it that I am the one that feels like the ass. My first reaction was to delete my blog, to hide away as always, but I decided I would just sleep on it. Although sleep was the last thing I got. I laid and listened to the rain as tears flooded my bed.

I was going to apologize for what I wrote, but I decided to explain instead of apologising. In every relationship, be it a friendship, family, or a lover there are days where you become frustrated. That was me. I was feeling frustrated and somewhat taken advantage of and I vented. I shouldn't have done that here or anywhere for that matter. I really didn't think anyone local read this. I am far from intresting and have no talent as far as the writing it self goes. I don't vent about Paul other then through my fingers here. I really have nothing but good things to say about this man, so much so I have had many many people ask if I felt so highly of him why are we not together.

I could go on and on explaining just what a great guy he really is, he is full of respect, knowledge, he has a heart bigger then anyone I know, but you're just going to have to take my word for it. Other then the odd day of frustration things are or should I say were working really well for us. We have an open door policy, he takes Rae when ever it works for the two of them, there is no set dates or times. We are both her parent as well as the other two girls. We don't always agree on how things should play out with the girls, but we both try to come up with some type of a compromise and 9 times out of 10 it works. We have remained a team, well until last night.

Paul has now washed his hands of me. Hearing him tell me that hurt all over again. I don't think I have really ever let him go. I am shocked on hurt I am. He has been such a huge part of my life since I was twenty years old. He is my family. My heart hurts today!! This will be the last time his name will be mentioned here.

Now back to the regular scheduled program.

Happy 60th!!!!

I went down to the island last weekend to help celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. It feels like just last year we were all there for their 50th. It was great to see them again. I was very close to my grandparents growing up.

It was a nice dinner and it was good to see everyone, but I just couldn't help feeling very out of place. I felt like a complete stranger amongst everyone. Everyone being all of my family.

It was such a rushed trip, literally running from one place to another. Driving back down island to catch the plane on Tuesday afternoon I had this total overwhelming feeling of being lost surrounded by strangers. I felt so alone and scared. I used to have such a feeling of belonging and normalcy in my life and what feels like a flash it's gone, just like that.

Today I can't help dwelling on what the hell happened to me? My life, my stability, and structure? Today I'm just going through the motions wanting to run away and hide away. Wanting to pull myself inwards not daring to even take the slightest peak out. Today my heart is hurt and dark. So as the rain continues to fall so does my hope.

Lets hope for some sun shine tomorrow.

This is Going to be Me in the End.

2008-05-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

Divorce is the psychological equivalent

of a triple coronary bypass.

I have been split up with my husband for almost two years now. Things have been up and down, but for the most part lately it has been good. We get alone most of the time, we work together as parents. We do things still as a family. I believe that I have went out of my way to keep the peace with Paul to make life a happier place.

When he left he took with him anything that had any value, big screen TV, both stereos, the prints that were worth money, the entire bedroom suit, and many other material things. I just let it go because I refuse to fight over material things. He took two of our satellite receivers and told me he would pay half of my satellite bill. Well I have yet to see a penny. This aside I have replaced all that he took right down to the big screen. I just look at it as a fresh start with no reminders.

In the fall he was pressuring me to either sell the house or buy him out. So I paid for the house to be appraised, went to the bank remortgaged. I paid the three thousand dollars to have the title changed and it notarized that we settled our property and he recieved this payment. I paid him a large amount in cash and took over all our debt which at the time was $30 000 or so.

The child support guide line states he is to pay $2100 a month with his income. He pays $1000. I did not touch his pension. So he come away debt free with cash in his hand. He took everything with value out of the house. He pays half the amount of child support and I didn't touch his pension. Why??? I just wanted to keep the peace, and trust me he complains how bad he got it and has it.

Still I am okay with it, I much rather have peace in my life. Sounds simple doesn't it. It would be but he just keeps pushing. He was suppose to cancel our joint credit card when all the house stuff went through. He signed a document stating he would. Well he hasn't instead he has been using it. I found this out by ordering stuff from Amazon and they had that credit card on file and he called and complain about the $20 charge. I just shrug it off, again it's not worth the fight.

BUT.... he just keeps pushing. It has been pointed out to me that I still bend over backwards for this man. I did his tax stuff for him, I went to the phone company for him, and a few other little things, no big deal.

BUT..... This tops it, and even kind of pushed me over the edge. Saturday evening I was at the video store about to rent a movie when my cell phone rang, sure enough it was intoxicated Paul. He wanted the chainsaw. He was having a few drinks with friends at his house, they were sitting around outside by my Chimania that he bought me for my birthday a few years back. Anyhoooo he asked if I could bring it over to his house because he had been drinking. I agree as badly as I wanted to tell him to piss off I didn't I said what I always say when he asks for stuff "yeah no problem" So I go home dig it out of the garage, check it, make sure it's all there and has gas. I put the sharpener in the case because I had cut a fair bit of wood over the winter and new it would be a bit dull. I arrive at his house, give him the saw, he made some comments about David to David trying to be funny. That was fine again just shrug it off. We leave his house and went back down town and not 5 minutes later my cell phone rings and sure enough it's Paul. He asked if I cut down a mountain and bitched the saw was dull. He said he couldn't believe I would drop it off in that condition and that I was going to get it back in worse. He went on for about 5 minutes about it. I actually caught myself apologizing to him, and trying to defend myself and explain myself telling him how I was planning on replacing the chain this year, but didn't know he would want to use it. WTF. When is enough going to enough. Why does he have this kind of control over me.

All for peace this is what I keep telling myself. Breath... Good air in.... Bad air out..... and repeat.

May!

2008-05-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

One missing child

is one too many.

Here we are in May once again. As you know it is a very significant month for me. Not only is it National Child Find Awareness month, but it was also the month that my ex decided to steal Ash when she was a baby and leave the country. See Post Here.

Now I am planning a trip for the girls and I. We are heading to Mexico for Christmas. I have no contact with this man that donated his sperm. He has never paid a dime in support, he has never sent a gift or a card for those girls. He has never called to see how they are doing. Nothing. This really is for the best. In 2001 he was arrested in one of the largest drug seizures on the West Coast of Canada. Since then he has been arrested two other times for the same offence. This man has two other small children. He has lost custody of them and his mother is raising them. Now in order to be allowed out of the country I have to find this man and have a notarised letter from him giving ME permission to leave the country with MY girls. This infuriates me.

Ash some what keeps in contact with his mother who I might add is a minister. Ash emailed this women asking her to please get a hold of her "so called father" and have him email her, she needed a few things from him, one being this letter.

Well Ash got a very fast response to this email. His mother writes to Ash stating how her poor son's feelings are so hurt because he texted Bri on her birthday and asked her to call him and got nothing not even a response. How her poor son never hears from them and how they never make an efford to contact him. So this women is telling Ash this, not even thinking that her birthday falls before Bri's and yet there was no text for her. Nothing as always. It is just always about him.

Ash told me she was really upset, hurt and mad about this email and really wanted to reply and tell his mother how she really felt. So as always biting my tongue and doing nothing but giving her support told her if that she felt that strongly about it to go ahead and express her feelings without character bashing. Over the last 14 years I have never said anything negative or mean about him or this family to those girls. I have never lied to them or made up stories, I have told them the whole truth and the truth only.

Ash got a response to her letter. Her grandmother blamed everything on anything or anyone especially me, making many many excuses for him. Getting mad at Ash for even thinking negative about the situation.

This women told Ash that is was all my fault that the bastard stole her and left the country. She told Ash I was not being nice, and that one of the girls told him that I was having an affair. (the girls were 3 and 9 months old) They wouldn't even know what that meant. I was not having an affair, but I did tell him I was taking the girls and moving out and away from him. Why? Because he was a users, a loser and very abusive. Taking Ash was his way of punishing me for disobeying him and his way of trying to regain control.

This women told Ash that yes the bastard has made some poor choices in his life, but then told Ash that it is not his fault though because he has a learning disability. OMFG!!!! The man is dyslexic. This DOES NOT impair your judgment. Bri is 17 and has 5 different types of learning disabilities and has made better choices, this bastard is almost 40 years old. WHATEVER!!!

I really don't know all what was said, Ash was really upset about the whole thing, told Bri and said she was not going to tell me because she didn't want to end up in the middle of her and I. Bri defended me and pointed out to Ash the obvious. Bri was not suppose to tell me, but as always Bri and I have NO secrets.

I really don't know what to do with this. I really want to email her and lose it, but really where will that get me. What will that change. I know in my heart and in my soul that I have done nothing, but put those girls first in my life. I know what he is all about. I know this. I just can't help being angry and hurt.

I Love Spring!

2008-04-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

Earth teach me to forget myself

as melted snow forgets its life.

Earth teach me regeneration

as the seed which rises in the spring.

View from My Office

City pictures are from the front of the building

and the water pictures are from the back.

These pictures are taken from my office. Well I guess more like just above my office, with the help of this truck and a brave fire fighter (that would not be me)

Spring is my favorite season. I love the smell of the air and the first feel of the sun's warmth on my skin. The sound of the kids playing and laughing. People are so cheery and busy working on their yards. Everything new starting to Bloom and coming out after a long winter. It's really the earths in start on life.

I believe I live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world. There is the ocean, the mountains and the trees. The only problem with our little city is it is the rain capital of the world. It can rain for a month straight without letting up a bit. It gets very grey and the clouds are low. In the winter it gets dark just after 4pm and stays dark until just before 9am.

I have lived here most of my life now, so to be honest I don't really notice it anymore. I just keep busy with work and try not to think about it. I know when we first moved here my mom fell into a bit of depression. Since being that little girl I have made a point of travelling a couple times a year to escape the weather.

The sun has been out for the last couple of days and is suppose to last the week. For us that is a very long time. I can see a difference in everyone around me. The girls are full of energy and life. People around me are smiling more. For the first time in all the time living here I saw how important that sun is.

Now this is why people use to worship the sun! Well I better get out there and enjoy that big warm thing in the sky before it disappears.

Regret!

2008-04-13T04:32:00.001-07:00

The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness

before he decides, never decides.

Accept life, and you must accept regret.

The older I get the more and more regret I assume. I am forever thinking; if I can only go back, I would do it so different. I am sitting here in the middle of the night wondering if there will ever come a day when I can just forgive myself for the choices I have made in my life and just be okay with me. That seems so out of reach right now.

I have been really trying to focus on only the good in my life and my surroundings. I have been trying to laugh out loud everyday. Sounds so simple, but it's not always.

The girls are growing up so fast, I don't know where the time goes. Bri turned 17 last month Ash 14 the month before, and Rae will be 6 in a couple months. At 6 she is my true teenager. As much as I worry everyday and pull my hair out with them. Even with everything we have been through. That is one thing I will never regret, having them.

Bri is graduating next year and has already planned her move. I don't know what I will do without her in my life everyday. Her goofy comments, and craziness keeps us all on our toes, and at times belly laughing. Yes it has been a bit of a struggle with her this year. In her words "Mom I've really had a Bad year, when I fuck up I really fuck up" When Bri was in grade 7 they conducted a number of tests on her because she was struggling so badly in school. She has a number of learning disabilities. They (the professionals) sat Paul and I down and told us she would never graduate. They wanted us to put her on a special program in high school, which would give her something to do for 7 hours a day, but not able her to graduate. She decided against it and told me she would just keep at it until she grads. Stubborn much? Now it is just a little step away, and totally in her sights. Other then her profanity she makes me proud.

We went to see Avril in March. It was much better then what I thought it was going to be. Rae is now preforming like she is the rock star. Oh please god help me with her.

Mexico trip is almost all planned, passports are in the works. This makes me smile.

I survived a visit from my mother. She didn't really come here to see me, she was here to see one of her good friends who is very sick with cancer. Her husband my step dad and I had a good visit. He is an amazing man and makes me smile. Although his health is not good and his life expectancy is not long.

My grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in May so I am going to fly down for the dinner party and spend a week on the island. This also makes me smile.

It has been raining here for weeks I am looking forward to some warm sun. The sun it makes me smile.

Well that is a a quick month and a half briefing. I am going to make more of an effort at this blogging thing... Why??? Because it makes me smile.

A Clean Break

2008-02-24T22:24:00.001-08:00

A Clean Break
House Cleaning Service

Turn Your Cleaning Time Into Leisure Time!

Reasonable rates.
Call Robyn at 624-9158 or 627-9158
Email thecleanbreak@hotmail.com

* Weekly Cleaning, *Spring Cleaning, *Windows, *Floors, *Moving In, *Moving out, *Before or After Parties, *Customized Services.

Another one of my off the wall ideas. It sounded great in the beginning. I find cleaning therapeutic, I thought I can do a couple houses a week around my shift work. It would be a great way to make a little extra money. I promised the girls we would spend this Christmas in Mexico, so I can really use that extra money.

I had no idea how this service was so needed in this town. Yes I know that our community is growing and things are finally looking up, but I really had NO idea. I put this simple ad in the local news paper and in the first week I have 9 weekly contracts and my phone and email has gone crazy.

I am going to have to hire some help, because I do have a full time job and a family, not to mention the large house I have to clean for free. I did love how busy I have been, and it is great exercise. The people I have met are awesome. I am just hopping I can pull this off and keep everyone happy.

This is where I have been hiding. It has been crazy to say the least.

Mass

2008-02-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

Every tomorrow has two handles.

We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety

or the handle of faith.

I went back to mass today. It has been over a month since I have been. I wish I would push myself more to go. I really enjoy the hour of peace. It amazes me how much it can clear your mind and your thoughts. It is like I got a fresh start on my life today.

The last few times I attended mass I felt as though the priest was talking to me. Today was about bettering yourself. To be kind, giving and forgiving. Lately I have been none of those things. I have found that I have been bitter, and angry towards everyone and our world. I have found that I am jumping on the band wagon at work and being mean and vindictive at the cost of others. Yes I think that work can be stressful, but why take it out on co-workers just because everyone else is.

I have to learn to be better then that. Step above others and accept everyone equally, even when this person frustrates me to no end. I have to look beyond that and ask myself why a person is like they are. Forgive for the things they have done to me and move on. Stop dwelling on the past, let by gones be by gones.

I might even try to contact TH I haven't spoke to her in over two years. I have to let go of the past and the hurt and anger and be a better person. I just don't know where to start with that. Deep breath, one foot in front of the other.

Lifehouse - Broken.

2008-02-01T03:52:00.001-08:00

I heard this song tonight, and it brought me to tears. I couldn't have said it better myself if I had writen this song. This is how I feel. That and I do love Lifehouse.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Things are calm in my life, which is great. This said I still am finding myself with a hurting heart, feeling lost, alone, and confused. Maybe I needed more alone time??? I don't really know if I am happy or if I am just playing the part.

Things that make me Smile.

2008-01-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

My Three Girls

My Rocker

My Animal Family

A Day Without Laughter

Is a Day Wasted!!

Laughter
A movement (usually involuntary) of the muscles of the face, particularly of the lips, with a peculiar expression of the eyes, indicating merriment, satisfaction, or derision, and usually attended by a sonorous and interrupted expulsion of air from the lungs.

This is something I have to work on this year. I really don't do nearly enough of this. I have decided to find things in my day that brighten it, that make me smile. Those will be the things I concentrate on.

I need to get out of these clutches of depression. I feel that everyday it pulls on me a bit harder. I am in control of my life and my happiness not IT. I think if I reflect all my energy and time on happy things and positive things I will eventually win this battle.

One can always hope right?

2008 ALREADY?????????

2008-01-09T03:11:00.000-08:00

Marriage, like money, is still with us;

and, like money, progressively devalued

I have been in hiding once again. I can't believe we are already into January. My Christmas was very hard and very sad. To be honest I hated it completely. Christmas Eve the girls and I went to mass as always. Then the girls went to Paul's parents for the Christmas Eve gathering as always. I went home. Christmas morning Paul came over in the morning to open gifts, I made sure he had a stocking full. It was sad and so not the way this should be. After the gifts were open Paul took the girls to his parents. They weren't gone too long. They returned home to check out all the goods and get ready for dinner, the whole time I chocked on tears. Paul came and picked them back up for dinner I stayed home and cleaned and cried.

I miss my family. David is a good guy, he is good to me, but there is just so much missing. I don't know what exactly. The history maybe. Paul and the girls as a unit were my family, it was the only family I really ever knew and now I have made a big mess of that. My life feels cluttered and unsettled. It feels as though I am dying a slow death, drowning in this mess I have made. I have regret, guilt and would do anything to take back time.

Paul's family has always been my family and now they're not. His parents have been my parents, I am or was much closer to them then I was to my own. Once again I am questioning my choices. Did I once again take the totally wrong path. Did I not see what I had in front of me?

I am questioning my happiness. I am really not happy. Yes I go through the motions everyday, but I really think that is to insure that everyone around me is happy. Once again I have somehow gotten lost along the way. I use to dwell on this years ago and think how unfair it was to me, but over the years I have learned that in fact it is totally unfair to those around me.

I told David tonight that I wasn't happy. He doesn't get it. All he sees is how in love with me he is. I don't think he hears me when I speak. I know I am not being fair to him, but I don't know what else to do.

Just Another Day!

2007-12-31T00:12:00.000-08:00

I want to run away

Inside my bright red scream

I want to break the doors

Holding back my dream

Living like this

Checking the skies for rain

A constant reminder

Of this burden and pain

I'm holding on to

A shooting star

Its points cutting my skin

This time it's gone too far

Nothing left to wish on

My bloody star fell

Left me drowning in hopes

Inside my wishing well

Not looking for a hero

To owe such a debt

I could not ask for saving

This loss is not a regret

I want to run away

But there's nothing out there

I want to shatter windows

That look out on nowhere

This is not life

If I'm already dead

My bleeding heart stopped beating

And tears I no longer shed.

Early Christmas Present!

2007-12-24T03:49:00.000-08:00

David and I went away last weekend. I had this brilliant idea that we would hit Walmart in the middle of the night. I thought there would be less people and shopping would be fast and easy. This wasn't the case. Instead there were tried and cranky kids crying and still a ton of people. The lines were long, but it was very entertaining. So entertaining in fact that the following day people on the street and in other stores recognized David and I from the 30 minute line up. Did I mention we had dinner and a couple bottles of wine before hitting the store. Need I say more.

I was looking for a toy for my Dog J.J. He likes this one certain toy. I could not find it anywhere. So I bought him Maggie, I thought this would be the ultimate Christmas gift for him. J.J. suffers from separation anxiety. Okay so I thought she was cute and I couldn't put her down once I had her. Maggie is the newest member of our family.

This was my early Christmas present. After a long 3 week wait my insurance company has decided to fully cover all damages to my van. The accident was the fault of the other driver so I don't even have to pay my deductible. This was a very happy day. It will still be another few weeks before I will have it back, but it will be worth the wait.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas, best wishes to all.

What Next????

2007-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Before....

After to follow!

I have decided this year sucks ass! Just when things start to calm and some what resemble normal something happens.

Paul went out of town for the week he left on Friday after work. I went out on Saturday night to our Christmas party. I left the van at home because I knew I would be in no condition to drive it home. Rae went to Paul's parents for the night and the two older girls were at home.

Bri came up with this brilliant idea to take the van and go pick up Ash's friend. They drove the super long way and was hit by a drunk driver. The vehicle that hit them ran a stop sign and hit the rear of my vehicle, the driver then panicked and hit the gas instead of the break and when flying forward tearing the front end of the van off.

Thank goodness no one was seriously hurt. They all had seat bleats on and are okay. Bri has a bad bump on her head and was in shock. She doesn't remember much after the accident.

The van is not drivable and it is going to be a 8 to 10 thousand dollar bill. Insurance has just informed me that I am not covered, due to the fact Bri only has a learners licence. If Bri would have had a valid DL this would not be an issue, the other women who hit them (twice) is totally at fault and her insurance would be looking after everything, but that all becomes nil and void if you do not have a DL.

I have been to ICBC and they have been wonderfully supportive, but my collision is threw private insurance, they are the ones who are not covering me. I only have liability through ICBC. I will be changing this. Private insurance is impossible to deal with, not to mention being made to feel like a criminal.

I have had to take two days off work and I have not had much sleep. Paul has been beyond awesome. Very good to me and extremely helpful. I am at the end of my robe with Bri this year, she is getting it all in while she can. Pregnant, skipping school, and now this.

Bri's life has ended as she knows it. She is grounded until Feb 24th. She has no phone, computer, or TV privileges. She keeps telling me she is going to move out. She is missing her boyfriend and as a soon to be 17 year old girl that is or he is her whole life, blaaaaa......

I don't know what is killing me more, the fact that this is all happening or that fact that Bri is the oldest and I still have two girls to go. I can't imagine being able to survive anymore of this torture. It is hard on you emotionally, and financially as well.

I am sick to my stomach and just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. Where do I find the strength to get threw one more day? If you can provide with any great ideas I'm all ears.

Love!

2007-11-22T14:54:00.001-08:00

Love is the beauty of the soul

Love is an amazing thing. It is a great feeling knowing you are loved and you love in return. So why if it is such a great thing is it so hard to express and say.

I have this great unconditional love for my girls and yet I never ever tell them that I love them. I never hug them or show them any sign of love. I never even realized I did this until my little girl Rae got mad at me for not telling her I loved her back one night on the phone. I sat there and really thought about it. I can't remember the last time I hugged Bri or Ash. I know I have never told them I loved them. Why?

I thought to myself that night if I died would they know how much I loved them and would give my life for them. Do they know this even though I have never expressed this?

I decided that night that I was going to change, I was going to tell them everyday how great they are and how much I love them and hug them and really show them how important they are to me and to this world. This was months ago. I can't. I've tried and yet nothing. When Bri lost the baby I really wanted to, I really wanted to hug her and tell her I loved her. I couldn't do it. Why? I think now if I even tried to hug or tell them I loved them they would think I was losing it and falling apart, that or they would say "what are you on crack" (common household expression)

I truly hate this about me. It has really been eating at me lately and I just can't get those 3 simple words past my tongue. This is so hard to say to my children so don't even get me started on being a relationship with a man. Is there ever going to be hope for me?

Thank You!!

2007-11-18T12:37:00.000-08:00

Why do we vilify our police at every possible opportunity? These men and women do a job an extremely thankless job I must add.

They put their lives at risk on a a daily basis, deal with unpredictable drug addicts, murderers, rapists, and many alike. They are sworn at, spat on and physically assaulted. The worst part is that they are hardly ever thanked for the work they do. Yet they are continuously judged and criticised for every complaint they attend.

Why is it that, when a police officer respond to a man throwing computer parts and chairs and is visibly combative inside of an international airport and react using the tools they are given and are trained to use, we automatically jump on them and condemn them?

These people that are pointing their fingers and condemning these officers, what do you think they would do in that situation. What if someone was threatening their safety, would they still judge those officers if they were protecting them?

I think it is time the media and the people of this country start thanking these men and women everyday for all the hard work they do. Thank them for the long shifts they put in doing the best job they can do with the resources they are given.

I find this very sad. With every passing day I find that the criminals of our country are given more and more rights and freedom, and the men and women working to decriminalize our country are being treated this way.

I also find it so sad that this incident in the Vancouver airport has gotten more media attention and TV time then the young man who was shot and killed on duty, while doing a follow up on a drunk driving complaint.

Really what is happening in our world?????????

Tag Your It!!

2007-11-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

TAG YOUR IT!! Post 6 habits/facts about yourself that you haven't previously posted.

1. I can spend hours watching people, I find people of all kinds so fascinating.

2. I can't cook unless my kitchen is spotless.

3. I do most my house cleaning after midnight. I don't sleep well.

4. I can't help killing myself laughing when a person falls. Even if I am feeling horribly bad for them, I can't stop the laughter.

5. I laugh and giggle when I am scared, nervous or intimidated. This was very bad for my marriage, Paul always thought I was laughing at him when he was yelling at me.

Two sisters, so very different. They fight, but would be lost without each other. They team up when needed and stick by each other like glue.

Hmmm this was taken at 3 this morning while they were hanging out, I wonder if they are still talking or if a daily fight has broke out. Bri is like me, clean and always on the go, Ash not so much, she could careless if her room or her bathroom was ever cleaned, and loves to kick back and relax.

My life would be dull and empty without them. Without Ash's stories, and Bri's wild and crazy singing out bursts. I thank god everyday that I have three happy and healthy girls that brighten my life.

leighsworld2006.blogspot.com

2007-11-02T17:44:00.001-07:00

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as A Slave To BDSM

Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun.

A Slave To BDSM

85%

Sex God

80%

A Romantic

50%

Virgin

35%

2007-10-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sleepless nights,

dreadful dreams,

are haunting me.

The mysterious sounds

of the night,

are very frightening me.

Panic and rage

Runs through my body

The devil is trying to get in.

Day after day

I fight off the urges

That would be so satisfying

A battle rages

Deep within my soul

It's all I can do to hold on.

Prayer is my weapon,

faith gives me peace of mind,

to stop the demons from taking over.

Depression knocks me down,

Grace picks me back up,

As the battle still rages

I pray and pray

For the fight to end

But I know the battle is still within.

Rain and Wind warnings!

2007-10-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

A FRONTAL SYSTEM APPROACHING THE NORTHERN COAST OF BRITISH COLUMBIA WILL SPREAD STRONG SOUTHEASTERLY WINDS AND SIGNIFICANT RAINFALL TONIGHT THROUGH SUNDAY. WINDS ARE EXPECTED TO RISE TO SOUTHEAST 90 TO 110 KM/H OVERNIGHT TONIGHT FOR THE NORTH COAST COASTAL SECTIONS. WINDS WILL EASE SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS THE FRONT WEAKENS. SIGNIFICANT RAINFALL IS ALSO EXPECTED RAINFALL AMOUNTS OF 110 TO 150 MM EXPECTED FOR THE NORTH COAST COASTAL SECTIONS TONIGHT THROUGH SUNDAY. THIS IS A WARNING THAT SIGNIFICANT RAINFALL IS EXPECTED OR OCCURRING IN THESE REGIONS. MONITOR WEATHER CONDITIONS..LISTEN FOR UPDATED STATEMENTS

It is a blistery raining day today. It is already dark. I am feeling cold and dark right along with the weather. It feels like a warm bath and a good bottle red wine and maybe even a naughty book kind of a night.

I just finished reading Swann's latest post. I wish I had the words, or any words for that matter. Instead just tears and a hurt heart. This is an area of friendship I suck at. I hope she knows they are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I am feeling selfish today for feeling under the weather and blue, I really have no reason. My children and I are all happy and healthy. In the big picture of life that is a pretty big thing.

So suck it up. Head up. Deep breath. One foot infront of the other. My weekend begins.

Happy Thanksgiving.

2007-10-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

The act of rending thanks,

or expressing gratitude for favors or mercies

Thanksgiving is a time, when people

all meet

Talk a little turkey, cook and eat.

Lucky for some it really doe's happen

While some only wish they were there for

the lappin'

To watch all the kids as they rip and roar

in and out of the house, slamming the door

Is a sight to behold that will soon be,

just an image

Of when they were little and have left us

inlineage.

Thanksgiving is a time, to remember the

past

A period of time when we might have, had to

fast.

So while things are good and going real

well,

Remember the one's that are not here to

tell.

Another Thanksgiving weekend come and gone. There are many many things I am thankful for. I have my health, my children's health. I have a home to go to everyday. A warm bed to curl up in. There is food in my fridge and cupboards. There is no tension in my home. There is no yelling and screaming. For the most part there is plenty of love to go around.

Another Life Lesson.

2007-10-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

Life is a long lesson

in humility.

Sometimes what you see isn't always what you get. You would think being the girl I have been in my past I would have seen right through it. I guess I didn't want to see what was staring me right in the face. I do believe it to be Karma. I know that over the years I have hurt so many souls. Now it is my turn. I feel stupid and humiliated. I should have known better. Yet I am still confused. It doesn't add up to me. How? Why?

If you are willing to change your whole life and pack up all your existence and move to a place you dislike with a great passion, just to be closer to a women. Does this NOT mean a thing? Then why is it songs I sent to him he passed on to another. Why is it the day I left his arms he was requesting another over to spend time with? Was I just another notch?

I have always had this feeling. Once again I was never the one, just the consolation prize. Will I ever be the one? I resisted from the first day. The first conversation. Is this why? Did I know? I was looking for a summer fling. Some attention. A date or two. He told me I was so much more, but in reality I was just easiest. Wow that is something to be proud of.

So here I sit feeling guilty. Why? He moved here for me, but really why did he? Now I am just wanting my space back. I want to lock my door and live my life the way I was living it. Alone but satisfied. I can't help wonder where I went wrong, I should have listen to my gut. It was right all along.

TMI Tuesday #103

2007-10-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

Be as smart as you can,

but remember that it is always better to be wise

than to be smart.

1. Early bird or night owl? Night Owl.

2. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking? Well it depends how ugly I would be. I think I would have to say good looking. I believe that women can get far in life on looks alone. I think, I don't have the looks to know for sure, but this is my asumption.

3. Do you gossip? I used to gossip, but karma is a bitch and now I think twice before I speak.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how adventurous are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) 3

5. On a scale of 1-10, how good a kisser do you think you are? 2

Bonus (as in optional):What do you consider the biggest turn on out of the following? a) lingerie b) movies c) toys d) role playing e) leather f) none of this does anything for me. Hmmm.... g)all of the above.

Rambles....

2007-09-24T06:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not afraid of storms,

for I'm learning to sail my ship.

It has been another crazy week around here. Last Tuesday night I spent in the hospital with Bri. Here blood pressure spiked, by the morning she lost the baby. She did not require surgery she delivered the fetus there. The baby was developed and still all in tacked in the sack which was still attached to the placenta. It was very sad, but at the same time I know that every thing happens for a reason. It was not meant to be. I was once told that God only gives you what you can handle.

So until Thursday I actually believed with all my heart in both quotes that everything happens for a reason and that god only gives you what you can handle. Now I sit here and I have many doubts about both those saying. A friend of mine lost her 13 year daughter to leukemia. There was no warning, just a sore throat. Just like that she was gone. So young, beautiful and full of life. Why? What is the reason for this? How does this happen?

Yes I do believe that my friend is a strong girl, but I don't care how strong you are how do you handle losing your baby. There was no warning. She was a healthy normal smart vibrant girl. She has 2 other children both which are older. How do they handle losing their younger sister. How and why, I can't stop asking these questions.

Today my heart is hurting. Hurting for J, hurting for the whole family. Hurting because I am questioning my faith. I really don't understand how or why this could happen.

There are no words I can to help, there is no action I can take... nothing, but question why and how.

Why Is It?????

2007-09-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

"There's one sad truth in life I've found, While journeying east and west The only folks we really wound, Are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarcely know, We please the fleeting guest, And deal full many a thoughtless blow, To those who love us best."
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Why is this? Why is that we seem to hurt the people that we feel closest to? Do you think we all have one soul mate out there? Or are we even meant to be with only one person our whole life? I feel that my whole life the people I hurt the most in my past are those people I love the most. I am aware of this yet I continue to do it.

My Life as a Dandelion

2007-09-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

Walking along the path, I spot

puffy white orb-

A Dandelion

a weed

Infinitely more beautiful than its

grassy fellows

endless, identical

To Me

I feel akin to this fluffy oddball

I am drawn

childlike

I grasp the delicate stem,

Bringing it near to my lips

Make a Wish

a prayer.

I wish for peace,

in the world

in my heart

I wish for love,

true love

I wish for direction,

hope

I blow with all my breath

wish with all my being-

Disperse

miniature white parachutes.

In my mind-

I Too

Detach

in a million different directions,

I Am

the hopes

the dreams

the prayers

the wishes

of a world

a generation;

my peers

my family

Myself-

I Am Blown.

Carried by a passing breeze

soft, gentle then-

Grabbed by a far more violent gust

I fall

tumble

rise

twist

Change directions.

I have traveled far-

have far yet to travel

not sure how far

I Am Not Lost-

just searching

for a purpose

a reason

an answer

a place to land

to stay-

To Take Root.

Change Once Again.

2007-09-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

Life consists not in holding good cards

but in playing those you hold well.

Just when I think my life is getting back on track life throws me another curve ball. Things in my life are moving forward slowly but surely. I am dating a great guy who makes me laugh and brightens my day. I have taken the step and went to the bank I remortgaged the house and paid out Paul. Ugh! The good thing is it's mine all mine. I have finally let go of friends I never thought I would. I kept a friend I thought I had lost. All sounds awesome doesn't it?

NOT SO MUCH!!!! I have wrote on a few different occasions how I wish that parenting would come with a complete instruction manual, but I must say this one takes the cake. I have a very open and very honest relationship with my older girls. Bri especially. We are freakishly the same, so this makes it that much easier. There is never a topic, subject or issue we can't talk about.

Bri has been dating a guy for a year now, he has been her best friend for the last six years. He is no stranger to any of us and for the most part he is a good kid. Yes I know they are sexually active, again there is NO secrets between us. I have always given her all the education she needed and then some. Although we are open in talking of this, the house still has rules. No boys in your room, no sleep overs etc... Birth control education is the second most important thing I push, safe sex being number one. NEVER NEVER have unprotected sex. We have had many other talks about sex as well. I have always answered any questions she has had as honestly and openly as I know how, and if I didn't know the answer I would do research and find one for her. This has caused a few problems with P and myself. He thinks I am TOO open. He thinks I make it too easy for her. I have never thought that myself until the last couple weeks. Now once again I am doubting myself and my parenting skills.

A few weeks ago I had this very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had this awful feeling Bri was pregnant. I told her about it and asked if she and her man are insuring that they are using birth control and practicing safe sex. I nagged her about it for days, I couldn't get it off my mind and that feeling I had was haunting me. Bri was a bit irritated and told me I was freaking out about nothing. She reminded me that I was pregnant when I entered grade 11 and that I was just over reacting.

Bri loves to play pranks on me and her dad, she LOVES it. She has got us a few times, good too. Two weeks ago she decided since I was obsessing over her and birth control, that she would really stick it to me. She emailed one night while I was working and told me that she was too scared to tell me to my face, and that I was right she was pregnant. I never found this at all funny, knowing she was joking I freaked on her. I starting quizzing her on when her last period was and on and on.... I told her that when I wake up the next day there better be a completed pregnancy test on my night stand.

The next afternoon I woke up after a long night of work stressing. She handed me that dreaded pregnancy test..... Yes you got it, my baby is having a baby. Joke was on her. My feeling was right. It has been a very very hard couple of weeks for her and her parents.

Bri was numb and in shock for the first week and torn on what to do the second. Her first reaction and words out of her mouth was she was having an abortion, she said she is far from ready to have a baby and she did not want that responsibility. Bri stressed to me how important her education was and how she wanted more of a life then I ever had. I have tried very hard to stay as neutral as I could and just support her. I wasn't always successful at this. Her man's family feels strongly about ending the pregnancy and really campaigned that to her. So much so that they had her convinced at one time. I have promised her complete support in going through pregnancy. I will attend every doctors appointment, tests, prenatal, the birth and even told her I would take the baby to ensure that she finishes school and does not have to give up everything that I lost at her age.

This week Bri has made the decision to keep the pregnancy. She has been to the doctor and had all her prenatal tests done. She is scared and still unsure on what the outcome will be. I strongly feel I'm not only about to be a 33 year old grandmother but instead a mother once again. So just when life feels like it is back on track here I sit confused, hurt, worried, stressed and mostly feeling like I have failed her as a mother.

What I have Learned!

2007-08-15T17:26:00.002-07:00

If you judge people,

you have no time to love them.

True friends stab you in the front.

Maybe it's just her drama queen, Leigh thrives on conflict in her life, she wrote in her blog about this new guy she's seeing, Dave, she's already all wrapped up in him. I don't get it, what is it about some women that they can't be alone?

Funny thing is that I have been single for well over a year. I have loved every second of it.

What I don't understand is when is not to soon to date after being married for all of your adult life? I did not see this happening, but it did. I in all honestly

She also likes to keep a few guys hanging on, I think it boosts her confidence, so if she feels that Rock wants her, Paul still wants her and this Dave guy wants her maybe it makes her feel good about herself. Of course that's just speculation on my part but whatever! who cares what your loser ex does as long as he leaves you the hell alone!

So here I sit once again wanting and needing to defend myself. I know that there is anger here and hurt feelings. I should read and learn. I don't need men in my life. If they only new just how I am not really into this Dave guy, it is what it is for right now. What is wrong with dating anyway, should I remain alone for ever.

I guess the bottom line right now is that this hurts, I thought this girl was my friend, yes I know she is Laurie's friend first and Yes I have wronged Laurie. I will not be able to think rational at this time, due to the hurt in my heart and the thoughts in my head, so here I am going to leave this and sleep on it for a while.

Lost Friend.

2007-08-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

In everyone's life,

at some time, our inner fire goes out.

It is then burst into flame

by an encounter with another human being.

We should all be thankful for those people

who rekindle the inner spirit.

I once had this friend. We met here in blog land. We chatted on and off over the last year. This friend and I became close a few months ago. We spent many hours chatting and connecting. He is an amazing man with this great spirit. When things got more then I could handle I pushed him away. I disappeared completely out of his life. I was a horrible friend.

I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe that this friend came into my life and was in it for a purpose. I hope I gave him something to take away with as well. This friend is on top of the world right now. I would think happier then he ever has been. This makes me smile from ear to ear, I couldn't be happier. At the same time I am sad inside for losing him as a friend. I wish I could be there to share in his happiness.

I have learned over the last few years what true friendship is and how to treat friends. I was not a good friend and I took our friendship for granted. For this I am truly sorry.

This post is for him. I do miss our chats. I think about you often. I do wish you all the happiness the world has to offer.

Random Thoughts!

2007-07-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

Life is about timing.

It amazes me how with in a matter of days your whole life can change. Relationships you have had for years can evaporate. When you think you are going down a certain path in your life and you think everything is going according to plan how in an instant all that can change. How did I not see any of this coming.

I have been separated from my husband for a year now. I have been waiting for something in my life to happen with a certain friend. We had talked of it, but the timing was off. I was beginning to feel played and that he just wanted a back up. So I moved forward. I took a chance. I took a trip. I hung out with a guy that I have not seen in 18 years. It is like we had not missed a day. It was an amazing couple of days.

When I arrived home I told Paul what I had done. He was crushed, he was very mean and hurt. I learned of the many women he has been with over the year. I wasn't hurt like I thought I would be. I was happy for him. He says he couldn't move on and that regardless of what we have done over the last year he wanted to fight for our marriage. I told him no, I was no longer in that place. So he left town. He took the van and went to PG to hang out with some friends, party and forget me. I do wish him well. Although he did take MY van and left me his truck, which was great, but the truck has NO insurance so I have no vehicle.

As for my friend. He was with another women this weekend as well. We both learned a lot about each other this week. We also learned how in love with each other we both "were" We have decided to remain best friends and just keep moving forward. We both realised that life is all about timing and everything happens for a reason. Even the things that hurt the most. I do wish him the best as well.

My two youngest girls left last week on vacation with Paul's family. Bri leaves on Friday to join them. So I am alone and very lonely. On Friday I will be totally alone, so I am leaving, taking another trip. Joining my new/ old friend back in Kelowna. I am looking forward to it. Dating is fun!

On a positive note, I have been inspired by a very good friend of mine Swan I have went off my medication and hit the gym, I have changed my life style and how I live it. That and I took two naked pictures of myself front and back, this really helped as well. It has not been six weeks yet but I went and measured and weighted myself anyway. I have lost 27 lbs and 5 inches. I still have a long way to go, but I have totally adjusted to my new life style and I am loving it. I feel that I am mentally in a better place. Thanks Swann for the encouragement and inspiration.

As for Blog world, I feel totally disconnected and out of touch. I have a ton of catching up to do and I am planning on doing just that. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

Random Thoughts!

2007-07-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

After every storm the sun will smile;
for every problem there is a solution,
and the soul's indefeasible duty is
to be of good cheer.

Well I am heading out of town tomorrow. I am in search of the sun and some cold beer. This trip caused a ton of friction in my life. P is mad, and informed me I am being selfish. He questioned what I would be doing and why. We have been separated for a year now. He has taken many weekend trips, I have yet to ask any questions about them. Before I made any plans or even booked time off work I asked him if he would be able to stay with the girls and I even asked him if he minded if I went away for a few days. At that time he was okay with it. Not so much now.

This has been the first time I stood up to him. I told him I was sorry he was mad, but I am going anyway. In the past I would have just canceled my plans just to avoid the stress, and him being mad at me. I tried to tell him as nicely as I could that I was sorry, but this is something I have to do. His response was "whatever" Then he told me he will have the divorce papers ready to sign when I get home. He also advised me that he is putting in our court documents that R has primary residency with him, even know she will be living with me. He said he is doing this to insure that I don't move out of town with the girls. That just does not sit well with me. I would then be obligated to pay him child support for her, even though she would be living with me. I have no intention on taking him for a ride, I only want what is fair for the girls and myself. I refused to fight about that at this time. I have decided to go away have some fun, and worry about that when I get home.

So off tomorrow! Fun in the sun. Have a great weekend!

The Hands of Fate??

2007-06-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

What is fate??

Is there really such a thing??

Fate: the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time.

Do we really trip over people at certain times of our lives on purpose. Does our life really follow a map. Is it chance or is it fate? I do believe everything happens for a reason, is this the same thing?

The need to move. The wanting out. A job offer, doing the job I love to do the most. Everything pointing in one direction. Is it really true or am I just wanting it to be. What is a person suppose to do. I am scared to death to take any step forward in my life, but fear will only lead to regret.

What is a girl to do????

National Day of Mourning!!

2007-06-21T15:41:00.001-07:00

You can't help getting older,
but you don't have to get old.

I declare today a national day of mourning. I sat in front of my mega mirror with that obnoxious light shining on me this morning to pluck my eyebrows and do some other women grooming, and that is when it happened. It was like a dagger to the heart. Out of no where this Grey hair was staring back at me. I took my tweezers and gave a little tug to confirm that it was actually attached to my scalp and to my disappointment it was. At that moment my heart started to pound and I found myself in a cold sweat. I couldn't breath. The room started spinning.

When I gathered my composure and strength I pulled that nightmare out of my head. I then instructed Bri to do a thorough search of my hair to make sure there were no other fat bastard's lurking. Thank goodness there was not. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason why that hair was there was due to the amount of stress and lack of sleep in my life at this time. I keep telling myself that it will be the last for many more years to come. Now lets just hope it's true.

There it is!!!

Today's a Good Day!!

2007-06-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yes Nat and Drew are back. They will have their morning show up and running in full starting tomorrow morning at 5:30am. The radio team admitted to the mistake of letting them go and asked them back. Thank goodness they agreed.

P has always monitored my blog, I don't know why I never changed the settings long ago. All of a sudden I feel completely free to say anything... well to a point of course. Today is a new day.

Now if I could only sleep! I am starting to go a little funny upstairs. I am laughing at the most inappropriate times, saying things to people that really I shouldn't be saying, but it is like I can't stop my mouth. Total tired word diarrhea.

It is that Time!!

2007-06-16T00:06:00.001-07:00

Well it has came to that time once again. The house is going up for sale. I have to learn to except this. I can't afford it alone. I can't even afford to get a hair cut, let alone anything important that might come up. I would love to be able to get away this summer, but with no money that is just not possible. So if the house sells it will be a little easier for me to breath, financially anyway.

It has become home for the girls and I, but I am sure no matter where we end up we can make that our home as well. I have this horrible fear of being homeless. There is not a lot to choose from here and what there is it is so over priced it is crazy. We bought at the right time. We just didn't buy in the right time in our relationship.

This has been a challenging couple weeks for me. P has been up and down and at me, about the girls etc... Sometimes I wish he didn't intimidate me the way he does. I wish he could see and hear how is talks to me. Maybe then he would realize how things got to where they were. Some days I would love to cut that finger off, the one that he points and shakes at me when he talks (yells) at me. He doesn't talk to me, but at me. The things he says, I wish he could hear his words. There is NO way he has ever looked at me as an equal . I think he still thinks I am that stupid little 21 year old girl he hooked up with. I know I haven't made the best chooses in my life, and I know I have made my share of mistakes. I know I wasn't even close to being that perfect wife or partner.

I have stopped going out. I don't want him thinking anything, or dropping those comments it is just easier to stay home. It has been months since I have been out with friends. Money does make that easier. I have now had to end my facebook career. Rocky made a comment how me met... something like we met randomly in 2003 and are like twins because we are so much alike. P was very upset about this... he sent me an email saying "You know you and Rocky are fucken tacky, talk about rubbing things in peoples faces, you two fucken deserve each other." So I just deleted my facebook. I had talked to some friends I hadn't seen since high school. It was great to peak in their life's. To catch up with them.

I really didn't mean to rub anything in any ones face. Just trying to move past this. I guess in away act like none of it ever happened. Treating him no different then I treat any other coworker. Guess that will never be possible. P and others that were hurt will never be able to move past this. So now what?

In a perfect world when I opened my eyes tomorrow morning I would be in a new home, in a new town, with a new job. Knowing no one, and having not a sole knowing me or anything about me. A complete fresh start. I would be able to get through the day without looking in the mirror and breaking down in tears. Without this sick feeling I have in my gut wondering what's next!

Okay well can't happen tomorrow so deep breath..... Pity party is now over... Back to our regular scheduled program. Have a great weekend everyone!

Feeling Blue!

2007-06-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

I sit all alone in this room

As memories unfold

Tears streaming down my face again

This pain never grows old

Some say it's a state of mind

But it's my heart that really hurts

I only aim to please you all

But what's a smile really worth?

This is the story of my life

The saga of my tears

A story told a thousand times

Remade over the years

If you listen up closely

Maybe you might hear

The beating of my heart

And the saga of my tears

They say that life's a trip

I hit the ground face first

Lost everything I ever wanted

But it could have been worse

Or that's what they tell me

Do they sit alone in the dark?

Or stare into broken mirrors

Thinking it's the pieces of their heart

This is the story of my life

The saga of my tears

A story told a thousand times

Remade over the years

If you listen up closely

Maybe you might hear

The beating of my heart

And the saga of my tears

This is the saga of my tears

A saga that never ends

This a the saga of my tears

That fall from cheeks til the end

We Are Cut Off From the World.

2007-06-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

First it was this... it didn't stop people and supplies coming our way, but it did slow it down.

They finally are getting somewhere, but now......But now this. We are now cut off. People here went crazy, they were fighting at the grocery stores over milk, meat, eggs and produce. The gas stations had lines a mile long. There were people ramming their vehicles into others. It was total mayhem. I think these people forgot we do live in a port city. Needless to say we are totally out of fuel, milk, produce and meat. Charter boats are losing out, their customers unable to get here. Tourism has slowed. Ferry service is running to Alaska, QCC and Vancouver Island, but people are cancelling because they can't leave once they arrive, and those who are catching the ferries out of here can't get here.
There is a highway somewhere under all that water.
This is such a beautiful highway to travel. The scenery is unbelievable. The highway is normally a very nice to drive, smooth and an easy to drive. The train tracks run next to the highway.

Right beside the tacks is the highway or was the highway.

There is the Kilometer sign beside the highway

The train is to hold down the bridge so it doesn't get washed away.

Bilboard beside the highway.

They are saying the last time the river was recorded to be this high was over 80 years ago. It is still on the raise. There still is 70% snow pack on the montains. It looks like this may last weeks.

Happy Hump Day!!

2007-06-06T02:59:00.001-07:00

I really hate change. I have my daily and weekly routine. One thing I do daily, is listen to the morning show on Z.95.3 I came to work on Monday morning turned on the radio to that channel and nothing, it was just some weird talking. So I thought there was a radio wave mix up (does that happen) By the afternoon I decided to see if anything was on their website. It turns out that as of today they have a new look, sound and name. Now it is 95 Crave! WTF!!!! No Nat and Drew in the morning, my whole week has been in turmoil. Yes I know there are so many more important things I should be complaining about, but again I don't do change well.

Another thing I can't seem to get out of my mind is.... What happened to Nat and Drew?? Did they know it was coming. When they were on the radio last week, they talked about things to come, so I don't think they did. Are they out of a job now? I know I don't know these people, but I listen to them every morning, they are a part of my day. So yes I am worried about two people I don't know, or who have no idea who I am. Oh and Drew's wife is expecting...

While listening to Nat and Drew one morning a few months ago, they were talking about Facebook and how in Ontario they have banned it from all government offices. The employees weren't doing their work, they were spending their days on Facebook. I had never heard of the website, so when I got to work that morning I checked it out. It was like Bebo or Myspace, a little different. I looked to see who I knew was on. There were a few, but not many at all. Now a few months later it has gone crazy. There are a ton of people on there I have not seen in years.
Today I chatted with a guy I went to school with. I have not spoke to him in 18 years. We talked for an hour or so, it was like he never left. Funny! Thanks to Nat and Drew I am now on facebook. Did I mention I miss Nat and Drew?

Prom!

2007-06-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

June?!? WHAT!!!!

2007-06-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

June...... Already????

Has anyone seen where May went. I think I missed it some how. I remember April clearly, I went to bed and when I woke up it was June. Less then a month left of school for the girls. Summer is here. This year has flew by.

Men talk of killing time,

while time quietly kills them.

I was sitting on my deck the other night after work. The girls were all in bed, I poured myself a glass of wine, watched the sun go down and listened to the complete silence... it was so peaceful. Life's little pleasures... and it was free!!!

Black Thumb.

2007-05-29T18:22:00.000-07:00

Update on the roll'n grow.

I heard some good things and some bad. I was excited to get it down and started. So I did it right away. I have never had much of a green thumb I have killed everything from bamboo to cactus. I figured I can't really go wrong with this stuff right? Wrong!

Well I put it all out and watered it. The next day I happen to look in the box it came in and found some instructions. So a little late I know, but I read it anyway. Turns out I placed the roll'n in grow upside down. Yes I can't even get that right. I have turned it over and watered again, but I don't have much faith that it will produce anything. Time will tell.

Roll'n Grow!

2007-05-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

The brown bag Santa has arrived.

The weather has been nice here the last few weeks, now when I say nice, I mean over 10'C and not pouring down with rain. I have been spending a bit of time working in the yard. I know from experience that what we have been experiencing is our summer. So I can't put it off. I have thatched the lawn, planted more grass and fertilized. I have cleaned up my flower bed.

My flower bed is large and very bare. I keep it weed free, but also plant free. I really wanted to do something to brighten it up a little. Although with money being tight this year, I could not justify spending a few hundred dollars on bedding plants.

A couple weeks ago I was sitting down watching TV and this commercial came on for roll'n Grow. 2000 flowers for $29.99. Wow you can't beat that. All I have to do is roll it out and water... Hmmm well with amount of rain we get, I probably don't even have to water. Today I am going to go roll. I will take some pictures after the results are in. Could be good, or NOT! Time will tell.

Weekend Update.

2007-05-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

My mom called me at work Saturday morning. She said I didn't sound myself on Wednesday. She asked me if I was having a bad week. She said that she is worried I am struggling with depression. I did not have the heart to tell her. I just told her not to worry that I was fine. She wanted to chat so I listened. She updated me on what was happening with everyone. She told me she is taking Friday off and she is heading out of town for the weekend to a spa and to do some shopping.

I know in my moms own way she really does love me. I just don't understand her way sometimes. My last post may have sounded harsh, but that is just how it is.

I am hoping I will learn from my mom how she has learned from hers. I know my mom is and was a way better parent then her mom was ever to her. I am hoping that even after my girls have grown up and move away, I will always be there for my them, no matter what. I want them to think of me and my home as their sanctuary. A place they can come and heal, to laugh, to feel loved.

My Mom!

2007-05-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

Mothers are the people who love us for no good reason.

And those of us who are mothers know

it's the most exquisite love of all.

A few months ago I was struggling to get through the day, I called my mom and asked her to come and visit. I told her I could really use my mom. This was a huge feat for me, lately I have pushed everyone around me away. That aside my mom would be the last person I would normally want around. For some reason I just really needed my mom. I have not asked her for anything since I was sixteen and she and I still lived in the same town. (that is a whole other story)

I think she was shocked I asked, but said she would see what she can do about her holidays. Yesterday was my moms birthday, so I called to wish her a happy birthday. I was told that American Idol was about to start, another words she couldn't talk. She did how ever talk to me long enough to tell me that she doesn't really know about coming up to visit, you know with the cost of gas, and she needs a new car, and her husband wants to go to Edmonton to see his daughter. So another words priorities. Unfortunately I am not on that list of priorities.

I know I am an adult and maybe I shouldn't need my mom. I know my mom never had a relationship with her mother and doesn't really have anything to base our relationship on.

I am my mom's youngest girl. She too had three girls. My sisters both went and lived with my dad so that left me at home. My mom was very busy working out of town while I was growing up. At fifteen I moved out, she was happy. She was done raising kids. My dads side of the family was upset and wanted me to move down south with them, my mom never allowed that to happen, instead she left me to fend for myself at fifteen. Shortly after I moved out I became pregnant. She was disappointed in me and let me know that she would not be around to help. When my oldest was a few months old I became very ill. I called my mom and begged her to help me, she told me that day on the phone that I had made my bed, now I was to lie in it, and she hung up. I have never asked her for thing since, well until a few months ago. I will never ask her for another thing.

Time?

2007-05-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

My daughter got her learners licence today. Where is the time going. I still picture her as this timid little girl. How times have changed. She is working, she has a steady boyfriend and now she is driving. How did this happen so fast. She no longer is that timid little girl, she is speaking her mind freely. She is strong and independent. It is so hard to let go.

I feel like the world is moving forward, but I am stuck in limbo. Change seems to be happening weekly, yet I feel that I am in the same place I was a year ago.

Have you ever been so cranky and miserable that you can't stand being in your own skin?? That has been me the last few weeks. I hate who I have become. I want to change this, but I don't know how. I have tried. Every night I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, that tomorrow will be my day. Every morning I wake up feeling the same. I am conscious of this yet negative crap keeps exiting my mouth. How do I fix this??